Day by Day.

April 16, 2007

My Life...

My life is vaguely familiar.

philiplikens | 08:09 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 26, 2007

Intake

One of the ways I live my life - a guiding principle of sorts - is "intake more than you can consciously digest, keep a library, and hope your subconscious will absorb what you don't consciously digest in the form of links or references to the library items."

philiplikens | 09:18 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 03, 2007

Underwear

I find underwear to be a necessary evil. I say this because I am a boxer sort of a guy - generally laid back, loose, hang out, do whatever... I don't mind dressing up sometimes, but I'd rather be in shorts and a t-shirt most of the time. However, there are times when underwear, in the traditional sense of the word, has it's purposes. Say you want to play a sport, ride a bike, go for a run... this is a good time to wear underwear rather than boxers. Sometimes underwear is preferable because of the control it provides.

Well, I so despise underwear, talking about it (but obviously not enough to stop from blogging about it), looking for it, buying it, that I've never actually bought a pair. Until today. Today I bought some underwear. For the first time in my life. Before that my mom bought it for me. That's right, the last pairs of underwear I have are at least 7 years old. I'm not too proud of that fact, but I'm sorta proud that I got by so long without buying any new pairs. Anyway, I went shopping today and bought some.

Shopping for underwear might be the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I might rank it more painful that cleaning rat poop out of a camper-trailer that went unoccupied in an open field for a few years. See, here's the thing... no one makes good underwear. It's almost impossible to find underwear that doesn't have a little hole in the front - which might be the most useless invention ever... besides fully cotton underwear I mean. Fully cotton underwear is horrid. Put some spandex or lyrca in the mix, do something, just don't leave it pure cotton. And white? What's up with the obsession with white? And the alternative polkadotted, zebra striped, etc etc... This is a man's underwear we're talking about. Women folk can have whatever underwear, whatever print, whatever color - I'm ok with that. In fact, well...nevermind. Back to the point - the point is all man underwear should be black with minimal logos, some cotton blend, without a hole in the front. oh, and none of this thong stuff... you need something that comes down on the thigh at least a little bit. But you can't really find what I'm talking about... at least not for a decent price. I'm not big on paying 20 bucks for 1 pair of underwear. Women can do that, that's fine... they're beautiful and deserve beautiful things to compliment them, but men... men need manly underwear that doesn't cost $20. I think you should be able to buy a pack of 3 to 6 for $20. But currently if you buy a pack of underwear, most of the time it comes with a variety of colors... which is the worst setup ever because that means you have to buy 10 packs just to get 10 pairs that you like (they always pair black up with zebra stripped or something).

Blah blah blah. Anyway, I settled and bought some. We'll see how they do. Hopefully what I bought will work.

And might I suggest, lets change man underwear to be "underwar" - it's much more manly. Underwear for the ladies, underwar for the men. Perfect.

philiplikens | 10:00 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

February 06, 2007

C-Minor as a Prayer

open wide my door, my door, my Lord
(open wide my door)
to whatever makes me love You more
(open wide my door)
while there's still light to run towards

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This was my prayer for this weekend and is my prayer for the future. These lines are taken from the song C-Minor by mewithoutYou

philiplikens | 08:55 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

January 31, 2007

Rehearsal

I rehearse almost all conversations of any weight. Any time I have something specific I need or want to say to someone, I rehearse the conversation in my head, in the car, sometimes even out loud - I even do this with the conversations I'm going to have with God.

philiplikens | 09:02 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 21, 2007

A Time and a Trail

I can still remember when the trees were so vivid, so green, so perfect.
And I can remember when the path was so soft, so straight and so clear.
I can remember when the only whispers in my ear seemed to be your sweet voice.
I can remember the fog lifting and the rays of sunlight cutting through the trees, spotlighting each and ever step.
I can remember the bread being so tasty and the water so fresh.
I can remember the light steps, the singing and whistling, hopping and skipping.
I can remember dreams light and joyful.
But life sometimes takes a turn for the worse and...
My dreams try to kill me and they steal from my sleep.
My feet are heavy, legs weak and brittle as twigs.
The food I have left is stale and clean water is scarce.
The fog never quite lifts and darkness masks the trail.
The only whispers I hear speak of melancholy and despair.
The path is littered with potholes and sharp rocks that dig into my heals.
The trees are gnarled and twisted, ripping my clothing and scratching my skin.
So I masturbate again.

---

Disclaimer: This isn't an account of my day, but of a time of my life.

philiplikens | 09:46 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

January 16, 2007

Godliness

Why would we not date the Godliest man/woman we know? Is it our depravity that ranks physical attraction as high or higher than Godliness? Will the Godly woman or man not become our very definition of sexy if they are our lover?

Proverbs 31:30 says: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

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I have to say, I am dating the woman I am because 1) I thought she was cute and 2) because I thought she was Godly... not the other way around. My asking this question is spawned from a conversation and it's not to say that there's anyone I'd rather be with - there isn't, my girlfriend is on the same level of the other Godly women I respect. It just struck me for the first time - why was this not my outlook? Why was my primary concern not "is she Godly?" I know that I wouldn't be dating my girlfriend if she wasn't Godly, but it wasn't my first concern (if I'm really being honest) - and I kinda feel ashamed for it.

I'm not trying to say that physical attraction is bad, I think it helps. And I'm not trying to say that we shouldn't find someone we "click with" in conversation, that's helpful too. Ultimately I believe you should be with the person God wants you with - you should pray for His will. I'm just wondering if my eyes deceive me, if I would be better off basing my attraction off spiritual than physical or emotional.

philiplikens | 11:18 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 14, 2007

The Wedding Photographer

So... I became a wedding photographer yesterday due to the horrific weather. I was a little nervous because of the lighting - or lack there of. I bought a sweet lens last year that allows me to not use a flash in low light situations which really saved me - but I realize now that I really need to get a decent flash for my camera. I also need to learn to slow down, make sure I get the focus, pay attention to my surroundings, etc (just as I would if I were out shooting somewhere else with less pressure - like Asia). But in the end, I think I got some good shots, got to help some friends out, and it was a great learning experience.

Here are a few of my favorite shots - I don't want to show everything before the bride and groom get to see. The one of the bride and groom kinda defines what I think of when I think of them... enjoy.

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After the fact I decided to post this one - I just love the moment captured here. It makes me laugh.

philiplikens | 01:11 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 13, 2007

Broken Glass

"Many years ago in England, a criminal named Charles Peace was arrested. He was a burglar, a forger, and he was guilty of double murder. He was condemned to death for his crimes. As he was making his way to the gallows on the day of his execution, a chaplain walked by his side. This minister was simply "going through the motions," speaking coldly of the importance of faith and belief. In the course of his oft-repeated speech, the minister mentioned the power of Jesus Christ to save from sin."

Suddenly the criminal spun around, looked the chaplain in the eye, and exclaimed, 'Do you believe that? Do you really believe that? If I believed that, I would willingly crawl across England on broken glass to tell men it was true.'"

philiplikens | 07:51 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

January 11, 2007

True Humility

Thomas A Kempis, in his book "Imitation of Christ," first published in 1418, wrote the following words:

"If there is good in you, see more good in others, so that you may remain humble. It does no harm to esteem yourself less than anyone else, but it is very harmful to think yourself better than even one."

It feels funny to argue with a man who's nearly 600 years old, who wrote one of the most widely read spiritual book in history - I feel somewhat inferior, like I shouldn't know as much about truth as he does - and yet, I don't agree with him. This is my reasoning:

My main problem is in his statement of "This is how you (remain/are) humble: When you think yourself good, go look at others and see the good in them." No, the way to obtain/retain humility is to look at God, how you were bought in the cross of Christ, and to pray for humility. That's the only way to get true humility. If we pridefully compare ourselves to another human and think ourselves better, should we then in turn humble ourselves through comparison, albeit different, but still a comparing of two humans? I'm not sure that's the answer - either way we're dodging God's giving us our true identity and basing our self image on another person. The easiest way to fake humility (to yourself and those around you) is self deprecation in the company of other people. But I think humility is really, simply, just the realization of your true place under Christ.

When I think of humility, I think of John the Baptist, the woman at Jesus feet, the apostle Paul, Simon Peter, Isaiah and the like. Here are some scripture verses:

Luke 5:8
When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!"

Mark 1:7
And this was his (John the Baptist) message: "After me will come one more powerful than I, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and untie.

Isaiah 6:5
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

These words, to me, convey true humility - and they all involve the person evaluating their position in relation to God (and Christ).

I'm not sure how you could come to a position of humility by realizing the good in anyone but Christ - it's our brokenness at Jesus' feet that brings humility, the fact that we are all sinful and need a savior. And ultimately, the fallout should be that you see no one as better or worse than you are, all humans sinners who've fallen short of God's glory and in need of grace. With that perspective you should obey the bible, putting others before you, serving the poor, etc etc... That's true humility.

Here's a statement I wrote in the care that kind of sums everything up:

Pride has more to do with thinking oneself as generally "good" and less to do with thinking oneself as "better." Along the same lines, humility has more to do with one's standing in Christ and less to do with one's standing among men, or how one thinks about oneself among men.

philiplikens | 10:44 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 05, 2007

Jesus' Friends

Despite popular opinion (being that Jesus hung out with the common people, the crooks, the prostitutes, the drunks, etc), if you really look into the scriptures you'll discover that Jesus really only hung out with famous people from the bible.

philiplikens | 05:35 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

December 29, 2006

Deeper Into the Rabbit Hole

The deeper I go into the rabbit hole of Christianity, the more joy I find. I am a hedonist. We all are. As someone said, even the suicidal is a hedonist - they want to end their pain because there would be more joy in it. But that's another subject I suppose... I was just talking about how I'm starting to see the good in, and derive joy from, even the smallest things of life. For instance, if I go out to eat with a friend, not only am I sharing fellowship with that person, but I'm also providing for other people's families, enabling the cook and the waiter to make a living. It's a form of doing good works that isn't blatent, and it's not even overtly Christian, but because of Christianity, because of my beliefs, I both recognize the good and find joy in it - it's just another, somewhat indirect, way I serve God.

philiplikens | 10:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 25, 2006

The Importance of People

I have a frightening tendency to pay attention to whatever activity I'm engaged in, even if the person who's trying to get my attention means way more to be than the actual activity. For example, watching a music video while my mom is talking - and ignoring her rather than the (pausable) music video. Or ignoring my dad when I'm watching football. And it's not that they had anything earth shattering to say, but I'm not sure that should matter. People should be way more important that inanimate objects.

philiplikens | 08:30 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 20, 2006

Ready To Go Home

The startling thump, thump, thump of the reflectors on the road wake the driver as his car veers onto the shoulder. Similarly my mind so easily veers, vectors off in ways that sadden me - and I awake to notice that I'm far from where I started, having fallen alseep spiritually somewhere along the way. It makes me frustrated and disheartened. I want temptation to be gone. I'm ready to go home.

philiplikens | 10:51 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 14, 2006

Study and the Tired Head

My heart is such that I might stay awake all night devoting myself to study and prayer, but my mind inclines toward the tired head.

philiplikens | 10:54 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 06, 2006

Suffering

Oscar Wilde opens his letter "De Profundis" with the words "Suffering is one very long moment..." James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Healthcare is a $539 billion dollar industry in the US - the reduction of pain is a $539 billion dollar industry. One of the biggest surface level rejections/questions of Christianity is "If God is so good, why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?"

I think Christians should handle pain and suffering much different than someone who doesn't believe in God - so I did some research and ended up teaching on it last night at small group. The document you can download is just an outline of what we discussed - the depth is missing but the ideas are there... and the basic scripture references are there. Please take a look if you're interesting in why Christians should be able to suffer in a way that's different from the world. Perhaps I'll write a more formal document on it eventually - but until then, hopefully this one will suffice.

I must note, much of my material and ideas are pulled from various talks and sermons from people including: Tim Keller, John Piper, Frederick Buechner, Matt Chandler. I don't claim to have interpreted their ideas correctly - in other words, don't blame them if I missquote them, blame me.

Here's the outline: http://www.philiplikens.com/myspace/suffering.doc

philiplikens | 09:37 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 28, 2006

Post Office

I just stood in line for 30 minutes at the post office just to get a 39 cent stamp.

philiplikens | 02:50 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

November 23, 2006

Thankful

I was just talking to someone and realized - it's been 216 days that I've walked free from pornography (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look at my video testimony on my page). Thank God for taking that sin. I still struggle with lust in the day to day, but pornography, along with masturbation and messing around with girls, is gone. By the Lord's grace I feel so free and clear.

I'm also thankful for my friends and family... and for all of you. I'm sorry I haven't been around much in the last 6 months or so - I'll try to do better going forward. The real issue is my crappy laptop and the fact that I have to go to starbucks to get on the internet. But I'll promise this - I'll try harder despite those excuses.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

God bless & Happy Thanksgiving,
-Philip

philiplikens | 09:15 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 16, 2006

Texas

You know you're from Texas when you have a bumper sticker on your truck that reads "Gun control means using both hands."

philiplikens | 09:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 21, 2006

Judgment and Grace

I am a Christian. If you are not, you may assume that I am judgmental of you and the lifestyle you choose because it differs from mine. I do not judge you. I do not expect people to adhere to my way of living if they do not adhere to my beliefs. In fact, if we differ in belief, I have nothing but love for you. Just because I refrain from certain things (like getting drunk, getting naked, etc), it doesn't mean I'm automatically judging you - no more than it means that you're judging me for abstaining from these things. I feel that you should be true to what you believe.

The other side to that coin is that I think you should know the truth - I do not judge you, but this is the truth:

In your unbelief of God (and of Jesus Christ), you have offended God - another way to say that is that you've "sinned" against God (Sin is basically defined as doing something that is offensive to God). Because God is perfect in every way and because you are not, you have sinned against God. The fact is, every human has sinned against God, it's part of our nature - I am no different.

Because of God's perfection, He does not tolerate imperfection. This is where Heaven and Hell come in. If you have sinned, and everyone has, you are doomed to spend eternity in Hell, separated from God, because God is in Heaven. Before Christ this was the fate of all human beings - we were all doomed to Hell because of our sin.

However, in God's infinite love and compassion He sent His son Jesus Christ to become a human, be born of a virgin (Mary - his birth is why we celebrate Christmas), live a *sinless* life, get sacrificed/murdered on our behalf, lay in a grave for 3 days, rise again and ascend to Heaven to sit at the right hand of God the Father. Because this was done, because Christ lived a sinless life and died on our behalf, a sacrifice to God, you may claim the blood of Christ as a covering for your sin. That to say, if you believe in Jesus Christ as our savior, as one who died to save you from the righteous wrath of God, all your sins will be washed away in God's sight and you may, after you die, spend eternity in Heaven with God rather than in Hell with Satan.

Believing all of this is the only way to escape God's judgment. And God's judgment is beyond me, I am not the one who judges you, I am only telling you the truth as a warning - if you do not believe the things above, you will be judged. No amount of "being good" can cover your sins. Only the blood of Jesus Christ serves as a sacrifice.

Honestly, at this point you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by believing this truth - this is grace, this is "The Gospel of Christ", offered to you. Even if you are still skeptical, please tell God these things (aloud or in your head, this is called "prayer"):

God, I believe in you. I believe you are perfect and in my imperfection and disbelief I have offended you. But I also believe that Jesus Christ died on my behalf, in my place, so that I would be saved from the consequences of my sin, from eternity in Hell. Please forgive me of my sins and accept Jesus' sacrifice on my behalf. Thank you for your love. I ask that you reveal yourself to me - I want to know you personally.

If you said these things, asked these things of God, God will respond to you. He will have mercy on you and love you. If you said these things, tell a Christian you know. If you don't know anyone else, you can tell me - I'd love to help you know what to do next.

Please know that what I have said is the truth, and I do not share it in judgment, but out of love for you. I care about you soul, your eternity. I want you to join us for the party in Heaven.

I love you. Seriously.

God bless,
-Philip

philiplikens | 07:27 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 05, 2006

Working Man

Well, I started a new job Monday and it's going really well. I love the people I work with, the job I'm doing is both easy and fun. I'm looking forward to the time when I don't have to bug my supervisor every half hour with questions because I'm new. I like being semi-independent at work.

So that's a blessing. In other news, I have a ton of other stuff going on. I'm wrapping up a freelance project, B-Team starts Saturday, Singles Bible Study starts Monday and after all that I'll be left with Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights when I have nothing "planned." It'll be interesting to see how my body handles things. I got lots of sleep last night, thank God.... but who knows. I've felt a little drained the last couple days.

But all in all, I feel very blessed to be doing all that I am. I appreciate everyone who's prayed for and supported me lately. You are appreciated.

philiplikens | 07:54 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 26, 2006

September Dreams

I had some really messed up dreams last night. I dunno if I'm allowed to talk about stuff like this, but considering the things I've talked about in the past, I'm going to anyway.

Remember, this is a dream: I almost had sex with a friend from my past last night. It's someone I've never dated or anything. But we did all kinds of other stuff, it was very intense. I woke up from it, thankfully, before things went all the way. It's just really disturbing to me.

Another of my friends once told me that when you're not giving into pornography, masturbation, etc your mind tends to process your past in your dreams - like if you have 8 years of pornography and sexual experiences built up in your head, it will come out in your dreams even when you're not indulging in your waking hours.

So that's where I find myself. Every once in a while I have really messed up dreams. However, until now it wasn't with someone I knew, nor was it that personal and intense. I don't think you can blame satan and his minions for everything that goes "wrong" in our lives, but this is something I feel just in blaming on him. I really feel like I was attacked last night.

Before I went to bed I had my past flashing through my head and all I could do was pray "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner." And all I could say was "Satan, in the name of Christ please leave me alone." I don't know much about spiritual warfare, about rebuking satan or demons, etc. It's not something I have experience with - but I felt extremely attacked last night. So that was my cry for help to God and that was my meek rebuke of satan. I don't feel like I had much else to say or do.

The rest of night after that first dream I had other messed up dreams, but they weren't sexual in nature. In fact, I don't remember them now, I just remember them being fairly intense and waking from them multiple times. The funny thing is that I generally feel rested, I just feel beat down from the intensity and somewhat defeated for even having them. I suppose though, that we can't exactly control how we are tempted, especially in our dreams, but we can control our response. My response has been to run to the Lord's arms claiming Jesus' blood and asking for mercy, rebuke satan very timidly, and write this to you. I might add that if anyone isn't timid in rebuking satan, please rebuke him for his torturing me... assuming that's biblical. Maybe I should look that up first.

Anyhow, that was my night. I don't write it to be explicit or gross. I write it to be truthful and to hopefully share with someone who has gone through something similar, but felt like they were alone in it. I pray you realize I am a sinner, in need of God's mercy and have compassion for me.

philiplikens | 08:01 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

September 18, 2006

Massive Attack

I went and saw Massive Attack at the Nokia Theater in Grand Prarie, Texas last night. It was awesome. I sometimes forget what a great venue the Nokia Theater is. There's really not a bad seat in the house. We ended up being on the second level, a little to the left. Once Massive Attack started playing though a lot of the people got up out of their chairs and went down front and danced - it ended up we were able to sit down for the entire concert (which was pretty sweet).

Massive Attack was awesome. The technology they had for their light show was part of what impressed me - they had facts about DFW scrolling on their led screens before the show. During the show they posted current news stories for our area including "Thunderstorms roll into Dallas" which had just happened the afternoon before the show. Besides that technology the lighting went right along with their music - it was beautiful. Massive Attack is so groovy and laid back, but so cool. You could feel the base pumping, hear the vocalist, percussion, etc... The mix wasn't too loud but it wasn't too soft either. The whole thing was very well put together.

All in all, I loved it. Not much that I can find to complain about. I'd recommend seeing Massive Attack at some point in your life. It's just something no words can justify, you have to experience it. Similar to, but different from, a U2 show - it's really something you should experience at least once in your life.

philiplikens | 07:53 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 13, 2006

Life Currently

I've not really written in a long while. The last days and weeks are a blur. But I feel a need to write and I have a desire to let people into my life. I think part of being human is sharing emotions, experiences, and thoughts on the both. Here are a few topics pertaining to my life if you're interested...

A New Chapter
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My roomate of the last month or two moved out today. It's a sad day. He left for Washington DC, the nation's capital. I know that his leaving is a good thing - God is going to use him in amazing ways up there. He tends to have an impact on the people he's around in a way most people don't. I think God has blessed him with a very loving and accepting personality, coupled with high, but still accessible, intelligence. With that combination of traits he has a huge impact on the people he's around.

For me it's hard to pinpoint all the ways he's impacted my life. I don't suppose I feel the need to write it all out anyway - let's just say he's changed me for the better. I thank God for pairing us up, letting us rub off on each other for the year we got to spend time together as friends and the couple months we spent as roomates.

A chapter has ended in this little part of my life and that brings sadness - but it also brings me joy to reflect on all the good memories, the changes, the shared experiences. It also means a new chapter is opening and with the new chapter comes new memories and new expeirences. I think it's neat, though, that I have been changed and anything from now on will be building on what has been built - as in our relationship has laid groundwork for new relationships with different people.

I don't say all this to imply I won't ever speak to my good friend again. No, I will speak to him regularly - it just won't be an every-night-up-til-2am-playing-scrabble type of thing. Bittersweet. Sadness and joy - who knows which is to blame for the tears.

Busy-ness
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I've been so busy - that's why I haven't been writing up on this blog. I've been working on a couple freelance projects, one of which I finished this afternoon (which is why I have time to write), looking and interviewing for jobs, seeing my friend off, building relationships, etc... And I don't see my schedule letting up much. I'll be teaching a bible-study in October/November it looks like. I'm also helping with a church membership class here shortly. Hopefully I'll find a part-time or full-time job soon that will support me. And as always I have my two small groups and various other things I do at the church.

Photography and Art
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I went to an excellent seminar on photography this past Monday. Kelly Moore spoke on her practices as a wedding and portrait photographer and it was really interesting. I've found that there are few things in life that excite me more than hearing about whatever it is that people are passionate about. Kelly is very passionate about taking good pictures. She has an excellent grasp of marketing and turns out both great product but great collateral. She knows how to run a business and I respect her for it. I also respect her proclaimation of faith and her in-your-face approach to everything she does. Check out her stuff ( http://www.kellymoorephotography.com ) - she's definitely inspired me to get my camera back our and experiment a bit. She also made me realize that what she does is something I can do, but in a different way... which is something I'm interested in exploring.

My old roomate showed me some of his paintings this weekend - his work is really free and really cool. My painting tends to be very controled and tedious, so his is a stark contrast to mine. He's kind of inspired me to go back and explore something I put away a while back - and to try a different style.

In my working hard to finish my freelance projects I've been reminded just how much I love scripting and the problem-solving process. There's something there that I need to remember to keep in my life. I need to push myself mentally, physically and artistically with my digital stuff - whether it's business projects or personal stuff.

I'm also about to start up a writing group with a friend of mine. At this point it's just the two of us. He'll be working on a screenplay and a collection of letters/writing and I'll be working on a book idea I had. I'm really looking forward to the research and writing, the scheduled creativity, and the chance to push myself. I can't wait for this to start up.

Cooking
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My roomie basically taught me to cook over the past month or two, mostly because I just watched him. He also gave me my first really quality chef's knife. I'm really looking forward to doing more cooking on my own and experimenting a bit. I'm also looking forward to sharing the things I cook with other people. I plan on having people over to watch football most weekends and so it'll give me a venue to try cooking and share it with people I love.

philiplikens | 07:44 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 12, 2006

Faith and Virtue

I sent this message out via text message to a few of my friends last night:
"Feeling very overwhelmed. Please pray for me - peace and trust."

An hour or two later I sent out this one:
"Once again God says 'Philip, have faith in me. Your burdens are nothing for me - I am your father and I love you dearly' Once again He proves Himself to me with a call out of the blue about a freelance job. His grace abounds in my life though I am unworthy. Why is it so hard for me to trust?"

Here's a CS Lewis passage my mom told me to look at. It's wonderful and very much as to do with my issues and where I'm at in my life:

We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity - like perfect charity - will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however importantly chastity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less that perfection.
- CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

philiplikens | 07:37 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 03, 2006

Autism

Most of the time when I write in my blogs I write indirectly about things affecting my life - that is, I don't write stories, but I write about the things I'm learning, feeling, etc. Today I want to write about an experience that made me stop and celebrate.

I know next to nothing about Autism. I know it has something to do with sensory overload, but I couldn't tell you want to to with an Autistic child, how to treat them, how to comfort them. So when Bobby's (not his real name) dad brought him to our kindergarden class at church, I was a little bit scared. But he took his time and tried to explain as best he could what might happen, when Bobby might have problems, and what we should do about it. He left us basically saying that since this was their first weekend to attend the Village, Bobby would probably freak out and we'd just have to call the dad to come comfort him.

We didn't have to call his dad. I stayed with Bobby the entire time, rubbing his back, holding his hand, just trying to let him know that he is loved, cared for, and safe. As under-qualified as I was to take care of him, God kept Bobby calm and helped me comfort him. He did wonderful. He colored a picture, banged on a bucket, played with the frogs in the room - all things pretty normal for a kindergardener. Now, I'll admit he's behind developmentally and he's older and bigger than the rest of the kids. And the kids know he's different... but this morning went really well all in all.

The best part of my morning was when his dad showed back up after church completely surprised that we didn't have to call him. There was just this look of relief in his eyes and something in his voice that seemed so grateful. I can't say that I did anything special, but it was just neat to be a part of it. It was cool to be a part of letting his dad worship uninterrupted, cool to send a message that Bobby is safe with us. I almost felt like we got to say "Welcome home, this is your church. You and bobby are safe here." As they walked out the door tears welled up in my eyes and when one of the other children said "will you play superman with me?" it was all I could do to turn to him and say "yes" without crying.

philiplikens | 04:03 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 22, 2006

Vulnerable/Miserable

"It's much easier to be miserable than vulnerable." - John Ruben

In some ways I think vulnerable is the new miserable.

philiplikens | 06:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

August 19, 2006

Anxiety

Friends, I must confess. I've been really anxious about money & job stuff. I have no reason to worry, He has a track record of taking care of me in the past. The fact that is: God is faithful to me even when I'm not faithful to Him.

And that's why I haven't been blogging. I've been worried and been busy trying to get my resume put back together and things. In all reality, I've been so focused on the job stuff that I haven't been thinking of much else either - even God. But I recognize that. And in the past couple days I feel like God has really been saying "You can let go. I've got everything under control. I will take care of you."

I was laughing tonight with my friend Tim about how God seems to have taken away one of my sins only to reveal another place of sin to me. It struck me as funny how I'll always have sin I'm working on, but He promises perfection in the end. Even when I think "I'm over this... now maybe I'm righteous," I'm really never righteous.

Say a prayer for my anxiety. My attempt to trust God (again) begins tonight.

philiplikens | 01:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

August 06, 2006

The Roots of My Addiction, Etc

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Note to the reader
---

I started this blog on the 25th of August, 2004. I started almost two years ago. I've been fairly open and fairly closed at the same time. I've revealed more aobut myself than I would've thought I would. I've talked about my addiction to pornography, among other things. This is my 500th post. I wanted to go even deeper, be more true to myself, my life, tell more of my story. The reason I blog is 1) to keep a record of my thoughts and 2) in hopes that someone, other than me, will be impacted by these thoughts and experiences. Telling the truth of my life is important because it is the telling of my own unique perspective; a perspective no one else has, but someone else may experience because it is in writing.

This post scares me to no end. It is revealing beyond revealing and, in some ways it is far beyond my comfort level. I learned much about myself writing it - much that I did not like. If there has ever been a sinner as wretched as me, I do not know him. In scripture when Paul says he is "the worst of sinners," I am inclined to disagree as I believe myself to be. I should say though that without Christ there would be much more about me to dislike and that I am severely indebted to Him for pulling me up and out of the world you're about to read about. As it is, this part of my life has miraculously been redeemed beyond my own dreams, in a way that I never thought possible just over the past few months. And I suppose that's why I have the courage to write about it now. Without that redemption I would still be clouded by the addiction, unable to see the signs and trace the progression.

In some way my story is fully my own, solely. In other ways still my story and my progression is not my own, but a global story that I share with many men. I know this because I have met with, lived with, walked with and talked with these other men. I find I am not so unique in my struggle. And so part of my hope is that I can shed a small amount of light on a subject largely kept in the dark because of the embarrassing nature of it - which is really to say that it isn't talked about for the sake of saving one's pride. But pride is rubbish and I hope my story will be read and understood. I hope I can point to the roots of my addiction and, in doing so, perhaps thoughts on the subject will be changed and people can be helped.

All that to say, please read this with grace and love, with a desire to learn and understand, with a knowledge that God has pulled me from this life. Please know I am not my sin, but a righteous being bound for eternity in Heaven because of Christ's redemption in my life.

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The story
---

As far as I can see, as far as I can follow it, this is the progression my perversion took. I, at some point, noticed that girls were cute. I also noticed that I had some sexual appetite. I then noticed that my sexual appetite was for girls and that I took some delight in them.

The whole thing started in middle school if I remember correctly. I think the first pornographic experience for me was in the form of a yearbook and a fantasy. Innocently looking through the JCPenny catalog soon turned into looking at the lingerie section of that same catalog – and in turn looking at the weekly ads for women's underwear from K-Mart, Wal-Mart and the like. Around the same time I found Baywatch on tv and various shows on MTV. Soon after I discovered the fuzzy porn that was channel 55 or 56, if I recall correctly. Somewhere in there I also discovered some risque comic book drawings that I would later practice drawing and tracing.

In high school I fell into internet pornography. At first it was mostly trying to find the people I was on tv, but undressed. That turned into trying to find anyone undressed, which turned into trying to find “real” people undressed through chat rooms and whatnot. Sometime in high school, before I was 18, I used my digital camera to trade pictures with a “girl” on the internet (I say “girl” because now I have no idea whether it was a girl or not, though I believed it at the time).

It wasn't until college or a little bit after that I actually rented a pornographic movie from a video store. I always, for some reason, felt dirty renting from the video store so I only did it a couple times. I always had some amount of guilt or conviction about my sin – which is partly why it was so private for me. As John Ruben says, "It's much easier to be miserable than vulnerable." Inside I was miserable. And so lonely.

God managed to keep me out of live pornography, aside from my relationships. I visited a strip club once. I was part of a bachelor party. I just kinda went along for the ride. I didn't know the groom, but I was the date of one of the bridesmaids, and I was in a city that was not my own, without my own car. Don't get me wrong, I went willingly, but it was also a kind of situational decision – I think I wouldn't have gone if it would've been in Dallas where I was living at the time. I remember thinking when I got there, exactly what I've thought the whole time afterward – the strip club was dripping with sin. It was an uncomfortable place for me. I enjoyed myself, but I knew I didn't belong there. As I said about the video rental, I didn't like my sin being out in public. I had too much guilt and shame over my sin, I was far too shy to feel ok in a strip club, renting a video in a store, or even eating at places like Hooters.

I lived near a pool for a while - as in, I opened my window shade and I could see the pool, see the girls laying out. That served as a catalyst for my sexual sin - it drove me to the internet. I don't remember many times where I was overtaken by the sight of the pool sirens, no by then I needed hardcore pornography to satisfy - but they still served as a catalyst to propel me to the internet pornography. And that's how most anything was at that time - joggers in tight clothing, actresses in movies, skirts at restaurants, low cut shirts a the grocery store, these all just drove me to my computer, because for the most part they didn't satisfy on their own.

I remember even one time creating, as a freelance job, a softcore porn web site. It just didn't feel right. I think I felt more guilt and conviction over that than I did for most of my habitual sexual sin. And rightfully so I think - I cringe at the thought that I contributed to 1) someone selling their body for money and 2) someone else's addiction.

I remember creating a custom web application that would load up certain people's web cams and I would sit for hours hoping for a glimpse at something "real" - something certainly more real than any still image or any professionally produced porno movie. I remember finding an application that would grab the last 100 uploaded images to a certain blog site and put them on one page. I remember sitting for hours, refreshing that page, waiting for an image of a "regular girl" naked.

And it's funny, in a very sick way, to me that I started out fantasizing over "real" girls from my school, progressed through the "fake" girls of the advertising industry, through the porno models and actresses, and in a way back to "real" girls. And I don't think I'm alone in this. It's like people start out real, go fake and take that as far as you can go, then come back to real, and take real as far as you can go. Fortunately, I stopped before I took things "too far" in the realm of reality - I never raped anyone, I didn't frequent the strip clubs, and was never that promiscuous.

Over the years I had sex with a few girls, only kissed a few of girls, and ended up "messing around" with most of the girls I dated. And while I desire to tell my story, I respect the people in the past enough to not bring up specifics. I will say that I believe a good bit of my lust and desire for sexual experience in my relationships had to to with my addiction to pornography and my waning view of women as a result. I also noticed that my desire to indulge in pornography would take a back seat to my relationships. Years later a friend pointed out that this was just my making my relationships live pornography through messing around - thus I didn't feel I needed my computer as much. What I thought was me trying to be true to the girl was merely just a transference on my addiction from the internet to the girl.

I was never physically abusive in my relationships. The closest I came to that was a mixup with my first girlfriend and it scared me so much that I've never done anything similar since. However, I believe I was very abusive sexually in the fact that I was using the girls to feed my addiction. And that's not to say that I didn't care about the girls I dated because that would be a lie. But most of my relationships were much more physically invested than emotionally. Many times all I really wanted to do was mess around. It's like if you're addicted to cigarettes and someone is waving them around in front of you while they're talking - you won't really be concentrating on what they're saying, you'll be more interested in the cigarettes that they're waving around in front of you. It seems like much of the time the end goal, though i wouldn't have admitted it, of many dates was just to mess around with the girl I was with. That's just evidence of my addiction.

---
Thoughts on the progression
---

As I think back, it's scary to me to think how things that used to satisfy, didn't satisfy any more. And it took longer times and more explicit images for me to be satisfied. Five minutes with an advertisement for lingerie, or even just my thoughts soon turned into an hour or two chasing pleasure on the internet. This partly had to do with the thrill I found in the chase, and partly had to do with the fact that I'd become numb to much of anything less than what I had experienced the previous time.

Thinking back, looking at the progression, I see my acceleration towards death. All sin, all addiction leads to death. This is something that Ted Bundy attested to just before he was executed. He said in an interview with Dr. James Dobson that he started with pornography and that addiction kept growing more perverse and more perverse until one point he realized that he would one day kill someone. He realized pornography was a gateway drug to murder and a few years after he realized that, he killed his first victim.

I thank God it never came to that for me. I thank God that he broke me down before that point. I think Him that He started healing me before things got that out of hand – but I really don't think I was that far away. For pornography I have experienced most everything, with few exceptions. I can honestly say that aside from my minor days, I was never really interested in minors in a pornographic way. I also never got into snuff films, beastiality, pedophilia. I can honestly say that though I was walking in blatant sin, God was protecting me. I think if I would've gone down that road just a little further, Ted's story could've been my own. But I didn't. And my story is different.

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The Problem is not Pornography
---

Honestly, there wasn't much that could've been done. My parent's could've avoided cable, not had the internet, and I still would've struggled with lust and some form pornography. My mind was very visual from the start – like I said, I think it started with girls at school and a yearbook for me. My imagination only needed a small amount of food, and it could take me anywhere I wanted to go. I don't think people realize the power a child's, teenager's, or artist's imagination has. I don't think they understand how much they remember visuals and how easy it is to tie things together (faces with bodies, etc).

For me there was also something to the chase – something addicting in the search for first celebrities nude, then “real people” nude. It seems like I was as much addicted to the rush that came with the search, as I was to the sexual act itself. Like, I would try everything. Everything from signing in as a “girl” in a chatroom so I could visit the lesbian chatrooms, to finding new ways to search, new search engines to find pictures, to finding back ways into web sites so I could access the pictures. It all sickens me to think of it now; my thinking was so distorted, my thoughts totally dictated by my addiction.

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The Breaking and the Redemption
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It was June or July, I do not now remember which. There are many things I don’t remember about that time in my life. I don’t remember the heat of the Texas summer. But I do remember how cold and lifeless I felt inside. I remember bit of my apartment, a bit of my time, my life at that time.

The apartment I lived in was small. Four hundred square feet on the first floor of a two story apartment building. One bathroom. One kitchen. One large closet. One coat closet. One bigger room that was a living room, bedroom, and workspace. Canvases were propped up against the walls, some larger and some smaller. I had a desk near the middle. I had a station for music with a keyboard, microphone, guitar, computer and speakers. I either had a mattress on the ground, or no mattress at all – I cannot remember which. My tv sat on the breakfast nook. Dishes sat in the kitchen sink. Clothes sat on the ground in my closet.

I went to work every weekday morning around 8:30. I returned home around 5 or 5:30. Sometimes I came home for lunch. I do not remember what I did most Saturdays. Sundays I usually went to church in the morning, then went to lunch with my friends which often turned into an afternoon of fun.

Most days I looked at pornography on the internet. Most days I indulged my addiction more than once a day, often for hours on end. Some days I resisted the temptation but those were few and far between.

With my indulgence came a constant feeling of guilt and shame. That horrid feeling almost never left me, though I could be distracted for a spell. It weighed me down, drove me deeper. Trent Reznor chose to name one of his albums "The Downward Spiral"; I knew what he meant. I was always embarassed of my sin, always plagued by my knowledge of right and wrong. I was haunted by the thought that I countinually chose to disobey what I knew to be right. I almost never spoke of my addiction and if I did it was only in passing. Sometimes I tried to kick my addiction with promises to God "I won't give in again." Foolishness. An addict will say anything and mean it for a time, but his word always falls away under the pressure of his drug of choice. I was no different.

It was June or July when I decided to fast. I remember wanting to do it for God. I think it probably had something to do with kicking my addiction. I remember wanting to also do it for health reasons - to cleanse my body. And some part of me also wanted to know how my body would behave without food.

With my fast I started on the right foot I guess, but somewhat unbalanced still. Fasting for multiple reasons isn't the greatest idea, and still God blessed it. Praise be to Him. I fasted and I prayed. I don't remember my prayers that afternoon. I do remember getting up and going to Movie Trading Company. I remember picking up The Last Samurai. I remember watching it.

Somewhere toward the middle of the movie something started stiring in my heart. The samurai lived with such a diligence, and intentionality. They lived with such discipline, when they did anything they did it with their all. This way of living was such a stark contrast to my life. My life then was mostly consisted of laziness at work and a chasing of women, an indulgence in my addiction, when I was at home.

As the movie ended God had pierced my heart with a message. The message simply read "I have more for you than this." I colapsed on the floor, a weeping mess of a boy who knew he wasn't right, but didn't much know what to do about it. All I knew to do was sing and pray. All I knew to do was worship. I do not remember my prayers, but they were desperate. And few. I sang most. I sang and cried out "In the Light" by Charlie Peacock.

I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do...

and

What's going on inside me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior...

and

The desease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control...

and

I wanna be in the light as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the Heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light...

I sang until I couldn't sing any longer. I wept till I had no more tears. For hours I lay there in the floor, on my back, crippled by my life, my sin and my conviction. God put in me that night a will to change, and an understanding that He had something much better for me.

In some ways I wish I could say that He took away my addiction immediately, but He did not. I still struggled. The difference was that I was more open about my struggle, I wanted some kind of help. I knew as long as I let my addiction go I would be held back. But God didn't take it. Not yet. For almost two years I battled with my sin and lost. The only difference was that I knew there was something better - I had hope finally.

Fast forward to April 2006. Within a few weeks I made a public testimony of my addiction on myspace and in person in front of a group from my church. In those testimonies I stated that I still struggled with pornography, but that I was fighting. I figured it was like any other time before, that I was having some sucess avoiding the physical manifestation of my addiction, but that it would soon return. It is August and it has not.

This is the most important part of the this story, so please listen: God took away my addiction. It was nothing I did. Sure I prayed off and on for years that my addiction would go away. Sure I was doing some kind of accountability. I had even tried going to Celebrate Recovery around that time. But it was none of those things. God took something from me in April. He didn't take everything, I still have trouble with my eyes wandering and my mind lusting - but there's been no pornography of the traditional sort. And there's been no masturbation (sorry if this is offensive to anyone but I feel it is important). Since my early teenage years I've not gone long without one of those two things and now they're almost completely gone. I am amazed at the way God moves. Praise the Lord.

So that's basically how my addiction was broken. After eight or more years, one third of my life, spent struggling (poorly) with this sexual addiction, God broke it. And He broke it at a time when I could blame it on nothing else but Him. And so I boast in nothing else - not myself, not recovery, not accountability - only Jesus. He redeemed me. He saved me.

philiplikens | 11:23 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 05, 2006

Trigger

Everywhere is a trigger
My mind is a gun
Shoot myself in the foot
No way I can run

Bleeding beneath me
Self-inflicted wound
I stagger along
Alone and confused

This battle is mine
The enemies my own
My heart the casualty
When I leave God to be alone...

philiplikens | 08:08 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

A Bit Light-Headed

I'm afraid I've lost my head
It was up in the clouds
It just took off like a balloon in the wind
I suppose I didn't think to stop it before it was too late
Now what am I to do?
I'm feeling a bit light-headed
I feel like my mind is somewhere else
But what a view this

philiplikens | 08:06 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 02, 2006

The Marathoner And The Christian

People who push their bodies to the extremes, marathoners for instance, tend to recognize that some degree of discomfort is part of the experience; they understand that the path to maximum performance is littered with aches and pains. The marathoner practices and prepares for the race, feeding his body the proper nutrients, training, stretching daily. On any given day leading up to, and especially on the race day, the marathoner expects pain but he doesn't give up because he has an end goal. He wants to see through to the end, running the best race he can. He knows he's prepared well and trained hard, he has taken care of his body and this is the culmination of all his efforts. He wants to push himself to the end even if it means that his body gives out – he knows people are watching, waiting if he should need some assistance. He knows that he's in a safe place to push himself to the end of his rope, all for his goal.

Let's parallel the marathoner with the christian. As Christians we have a purpose here on earth; we are running a race of sorts. All our bible training, our prayers, the way we eat, the books we read, the movies we watch, the conversations we have are all to pursue God faithfully and share the gospel to the best of our ability. But I think there's a general problem with Christians and pain; I don't think we properly anticipate the pain of the training and the race. Our gut reaction as humans will always be to avoid pain, but I think we're called to not only expect it, but to push through it just as a marathon runner would. And just as the marathoner pushes himself to his end because he knows the race is a safe place to do so, we can have faith that the Great Physician will be there to take care of us when we push ourselves to our limits for Christianity.

Charles Suprgeon said "Serve God with all your might while the candle is burning, and then when it goes out for a season, you will have the less to regret." Essentially what i think he's saying is that wearing yourself out working for God's kingdom is worth it; that an eternal life gained trumps a temporal life lost. So it follows that an eternal life gained would trump anything less than death - including physical ailments. Getting tired, wearing out because you're running for God is a small price to pay when eternal souls are involved.

But it seems to me that we tend to limit ourselves to what we think we can do, rather than what we can actually do. We default on the side of self-trust rather than faith in God. We say "I can only these things because I need down time." And our down time often seems to include "mindless activities" to help us "rest." As christians I think this way of thinking is flawed; I think we sell ourselves short if we're operating from our view of the limitations of our bodies as opposed to God's knowledge of our limitations. We don't actually act like we have faith that we're in a safe place, that God has us covered and so we try to operate on our own energy and not beyond. But to do anything worthwhile in God's kingdom we need to be operating beyond our top potential - we need to be operating at God's level, with His help. Going back to the marathoner analogy we see that training correctly and providing your body the correct nutrients for the race allows a person to operate on a higher sustained level for a longer time - the idea that taking spiritual supplements regularly, running off God's fuel, and training your mind and body in the ways of Christ will allow you to run better, longer.

And if we should be burning out, there's good news. God has this funny way of taking care of His sheep, His children. He tends to know what's best for our growth. He tends to see the path to perfection better than we can. He knows when we need a break; He knows when we need to lie down in green pastures or drink from quiet waters. He seems to know when our souls need restoring but also how far we can walk without taking a break. And this is what's funny to me. We think we know when we should take a break, when God should let us lie down. We think we know when we need God to restore us. We forget that He formed us individually; He knows our strengths, weaknesses and breaking points. We forget we can trust Him - so with any sign of pain we go running to our resting spot instead of pushing through it with our eyes on Him.

So here's the question: What if we push ourselves to our very limits for the kingdom of God and hope God shows up when we reach those limits; what if we have faith that God will show up and take care of us if we burn for Him? Would this change the way we live? If so, how?

philiplikens | 12:27 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 01, 2006

The Hermitage

I'm sick of my dreams being completely jacked up. I want nothing more to do with my own sleep. In fact, going into the woods and living as a hermit, photographing the wildlife, writing about what I see is sounding very nice right about now. If anyone knows of a spare plot of land I can have, maybe some boards and some nails, please let me know - I'll start building my hermitage right away. Thanks!

philiplikens | 08:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 17, 2006

The I In My INFJ

Sometimes I just need good friends. Sometimes I just feel like staying mellow. Sometimes I don't feel as though I have the emotional energy to get up a game face for people I don't know well.

It's a little like chinese food. Rich says if he's burnt out on chinese food, eating more of it will only make the burnout last longer. It's similar for me with low emotional energy and people. If I am to recharge, I need to be either around my close friends, or no people at all. If I'm put around people I don't know, the burnout, the tiredness, the emotional low will last longer.

This is the "I" in my INFJ.

philiplikens | 09:09 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 14, 2006

Mourning

Brother, sister sit with me
Be still with me
Mourn with me
Pray with me
This gravity is weighing me down...

philiplikens | 08:42 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 10, 2006

Curses and Blessings

Depending on the state of soul, health, wealth, power, fame, compliments, etc are either blessings or curses - but not one exclusively. For the man struggling with the sin of pride, and compliment may be a curse. Perfect health can be a curse, and life threatening illness a blessing, to the man who thinks he's in control of his health, his life and his death.

God is ultimately in charge of men's souls, of turning souls, of changing souls. He is also in charge of giving these souls what they need in order to draw them to Him. Financial ruin, declining health, humiliation, these things may be seen as curses by most people, but for God these may be the catalyst He uses to draw us to Him - and thus, the ultimate blessing in our lives.

philiplikens | 08:59 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 06, 2006

The Year In Review

I'm attempting to retrace my life over the last year (since I quit my job in July of last year). I'm trying to document what I've learned and experienced. I figured my blog would be the best place to start, so I'm picked out the ones that seemed to be most telling of where I was at that time. I also compiled a list of things I learned this year. This is for my sake mostly - call it a monument to God's working in my life - but perhaps it will be interesting for other people as well.

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I quit my job, marking the time in my life when I've most trusted God - my biggest step in faith.

I started really enjoying reading the bible.

For a short while I thought women were distracting me from God. Shortly there-after I started dating a girl. We were pretty serious pretty quickly and in the end, I walked away. I dated another girl afterwards. I'm currently single and quite happy that way. The burden to find a wife has been lifted from me, in part because of Paul Matthies' "Single Minded" sermons. Later in the year one of my friends told me that any Godly woman will have a beautiful heart, and we'll always be attracted to God, but the real question is if I match up with them in other ways. This took pressure (for me) off my friendships with girls - I no longer felt randomly attracted to my girl friends. I learned to dissect the reason I liked someone and most of the time it was just because I saw God in them, which isn't enough. I no longer chase my friends around like I used to.

I am continually amazed that God can use me and speak through me.

I have learned that I don't really need to "zone out" or waste time, that all my time is God's really and He is my sustainer. I am learning to use my time wisely, not wasting it on video games and other things, but using my time to read my bible, fellowship with people, etc.

My flesh betrays my mind, my mind betrays my heart and my heart betrays God - and this is my struggle.

I am realizing that when it comes to prayer, the faithful and the faithless both have a good chance of receiving what they expect. I should have faith in God and the miraculous. I am also learning that I tend to depend on human made rather than God. A quote that's stuck in my mind is "We don't have tylenol in Sudan" - which is to say, they just pray when any medical illness comes up because they don't have medicine to treat it.

My place as an artist is to frame and point toward God's beautiful creation - to make people stop and look in ways they normally wouldn't.

God is answering prayers pretty vividly. Among other things, for the first time in 8+ years I'm experiencing freedom from Pornography and the physical side of lust. Also, I ask for a desire for God - and God has given me a real, burning, overwhelming desire for Him.

I have learned that serving Jesus through volunteering, work, whatever is extremely rewarding. God rewards those who work for Him.

I see and feel things very vividly.

I have consistently been surprised by the way God puts encouragement in my life, just when I need it, even if I haven't asked for it.

I have been able, for the first time in my life, to read my bible and my devotionals with consistency.

I learned that I have a heart for Asia. I even had a chance to go to Asia. I love what's happening over there, the people, the culture - and I want to go over for a few years (at least).

I realized I need Godly women in my life, in part to show be the side of God's creation that men can't show me... the softness, the beauty, etc. They also help mold and shape me into a better man by telling me what they desire in a man.

My taste for modesty (and desire for purity) has increased greatly with God's killing of my addiction to pornography.

For the first time in my life I can imagine maintaining purity going into marriage, if marriage is my course. With this, I'm realizing God can do anything in my life.

I'm learning to think missionally, and to live missionally. I'm learning to look at my preferences and figure out whether they're limiting me missionally.

---

August 01, 2005: Letting Go Of All I've Held On To

August 11, 2005: Reading For Joy and Prophets

August 25, 2005: All-In-Faith

September 01, 2005: New Way of Life

October 21, 2005: Gender Weakness

October 28, 2005: Lousy Wretch

November 01, 2005: Why I Live The Way I Do: A Testimony of My Life in Christ

November 04, 2005: My Flesh Betrays Me

December 13, 2005: Dear God

January 30, 2006: Prayer & Faith

February 07, 2006: Free Time

February 15, 2006: Medicine

February 26, 2006: I Want To Be

March 14, 2006: The Importance of Sharing

March 27, 2006: Magnifying Glass

March 31, 2006: Completely Alone & Dancing With Jesus

April 04, 2006: Worship

April 07, 2006: Emotion, Weight and Contrast

April 09, 2006: Jesus

April 16, 2006: Encouragement

April 22, 2006: Son of a Sinner & Short List of Learning

May 03, 2006: Getting to Asia

May 06, 2006: Epiphany

May 20, 2006: Rules of Attraction

May 26, 2006: The Plan

June 14, 2006: Asia

June 15, 2006: Asia Slideshow & Asia Thoughts Round 1

June 16, 2006: More Than A Beautiful Heart

June 17, 2006: Purity in Relationship

July 06, 2006: Preference

philiplikens | 09:41 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

A Home Away From Home That Is Very Much Like Home

Home for me has much to do with animals, people, fellowship, prayer, dinner, movies, discussions and games; home has little to do with memories. And so I think to some extent, Heaven will be much like what I consider to be home - less memories and more the creation of memories, the doing of things like fellowship, worship, dining, discussion. I think home, and the comforts of home, are a small glimpse of Heaven.

I thank God for my friends who have homes and their generosity in asking me into their home. In this way their home becomes my home - a home away from home that is also very much like Home (aka Heaven).

philiplikens | 04:14 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 05, 2006

Wisdom

Wisdom, I suspect, comes not with age, but with life experience and learning from that experience, which must go hand in hand with God's redeeming and reforming of the heart. I think His reshaping of us into something that looks more like God incarnate through our life experiences is one of the primary ways we gain wisdom.

philiplikens | 03:48 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 02, 2006

My Mind

There are phrases that repeat in my mind when certain things happen in life. I dunno that everyone works this way, but it's the way my brain works. I have recordings of songs, lyrics, quotes and things that, for good or bad, haunt me when life happens. So in an effort to explain how my mind works, here are a few of those phrases and the context in which I think of them...

"my mind it kinda goes fast. i'll try to slow it down for you." - Congratulations by Blue October

---

When I've hit bottom I sing "In the Light" by Charlie Peacock.

When I'm in a relationship and things are looking grim I think of the lyrics "If you should need to leave my side, you'll leave a better man behind" from "Island" by Stavesacre.

I periodically remind myself that my life should be a "Living Sacrifice" which is a quote from scripture, but I latched onto it because it's the name of a heavy metal band. This band also had a cd named "The Hammering Process" which is what I tend to think of when God is teaching me things through trial.

"The Hardway" by DC Talk is also a song I associate with learning the hard way... and something that I sing when I make mistakes over and over but try to learn from them.

"If our fathers are our models for god, what does that tell you about God?" is a quote from Fight Club. It just reminds me that if my mental image of God is based on the people around me rather than the Bible, I'm off.

"Promises and wishes all mean nothing when it's me I'm speaking to. Wanting something won't mean I will see it through." is what chimes in my head when I've made a pact to myself to do xyz and I fail. It's from the song "Under My Feet" by Celldweller.

"Thought I was a good man but fell short of my standards" is a lyric from Stavesacre. Again, this is something I sing when I fall into sin.

philiplikens | 01:52 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 29, 2006

The Conflict

I so much want people to take notice of me, though I blush and wish to be elsewhere when they do.

philiplikens | 05:14 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 28, 2006

Pride

I can feel the pride bubbling up, rising up through the 60% water I call my body. Lord help me.

philiplikens | 11:10 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 21, 2006

Missing People

I find myself missing the Asia 2 team and my friend Tim already, just 2 days after they've left. When I got back I had people call me or see me and say "Hey, I really missed you, how was your trip?" and I really got how they felt. I couldn't understand why they would miss me so much. But now I understand. When you're on a trip, you don't miss anyone. You're too caught up in what's going on wherever you are - and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But when you're at home, doing normal life minus the large gaps of those relationships, you notice their absence. And so I miss my girls and my boy. I pray they make it back safely, life is better with them.

An interesting side note about my past: I generally haven't missed too many people when I've moved. Usually one or two, but I'm generally present wherever I am rather than having my mind stuck in some other city with other people.

philiplikens | 09:58 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

A Broken Part of Me

It is a broken part of me that would look at a friend or stranger and say to myself "their drinking problem is tearing them apart" or "their smoking is killing them" then walk away without questioning or caring for the state of their soul - the only thing that truly matters.

philiplikens | 09:44 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 17, 2006

Purity in Relationship

The thought of trying to do a relationship right scares me a bit. The thought that I can be physically/mentally pure in a relationship is foreign to me - mostly because the thought that I can be physically/mentally pure in life is foreign to me. Being addicted to pornography for a third of my life has created some issues. I've never had a relationship outside my addiction and as a result I've never treated any girl "right." My mindset has always sunken to an abusive state where my lust ruled my actions. And that's not to say that I always looked at pornography when I was in relationship, because I haven't - I just always my relationships replace pornography. My relationships turned into my own live pornography, to some extent.

A few months ago I laughed when my friend told me I could be pure in my relationships - I laughed because I've never done it. It was completely foreign to me. It's still foreign, but as I fight for my own purity, as I go longer and longer sober from (at least some parts of) lust, the thought of a pure relationship gets less and less foreign. I can imagine now being upright in my next relationship. Perhaps it's because my addiction has clouded my mind for some many years and my sobriety is allowing clarity. Maybe it's just God telling me "hey, I can work with even you." I don't know what/which it is. But I know that I like the feeling, I like the idea that I don't have to be stuck in this cycle. I like the idea that I don't have to continue abusing the women I date. I like the idea that God can transform even a sinner like me.

philiplikens | 06:59 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

June 16, 2006

Restless

I don't know what to do with myself. "Restless tense and shifting in my seat." I've been around people pretty constantly, had something going on day and night for about 3 weeks straight (2 of those weeks in Asia sleeping and living with 7 other people). And now Matt has gone home so there's no one else at my house, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired but not sleepy. I have work to do and books to read. I could be reading the bible. Could be washing my car. I just don't want to. Not tonight at 10:30. So here I am sitting at borders writing about the way I'm feeling. And really, I have a very personal piece I want to write, but I don't feel like doing that either. I think part of being a good steward of time is making yourself do things you need to do, even when you don't feel like doing them. But that's a struggle for me. It's a struggle for most everyone I know in fact.

Something I question is what can I do here in America to impact people's lives. How can I bring people to Christ? If Christ is all that matters, and He is, what can I do to pass that on? At 10:30 at night, what can I do to honor my maker? I suppose the answer is to do those things I need to do...

philiplikens | 10:37 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

When "Godly" Rules Aren't Godly

Lately I've noticed how much we tend to use "godly" rules to feed our own comfort. Let me explain.

How many times have I heard "I'm not going to do whatever until my life looks like this or that." Here are a few examples of man-made rules I've run into lately: "I'm not going to date until my heart is healed" or "I can't lead a small group/mentor someone because I don't know enough scripture." These often come with seemingly selfless explanations like "well, I don't want to drag anyone else down because I'm just not ready." The problem is that you're blocking out God. You're saying "God, I'm not comfortable with where I'm at so I'm going to wait until I feel comfortable" and you're saying "I know, better than God knows, when I'm ready." What you should be saying is "God, may your will be done. I don't feel ready, but it doesn't matter. I trust you'll prepare me for whatever."

If God tells you to learn more before teaching other people, or tells you to wait for x amount of time before you date, fair enough... just make sure it's God setting the rules and not yourself. Even rules that sound godly and sound like they're protecting other people aren't really godly if God didn't speak them into place. The most important thing for you and your life is that you're following God as closely as possible. That's the point. The point isn't protecting other people, looking holy, or anything else.

The best biblical example I know of people making rules rather than following what God was telling them is in the Pharisees of the New Testament.

philiplikens | 04:23 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

More Than A Beautiful Heart

One of my friends pointed out that there are plenty of Christian girls I will be attracted to (because I am attracted to God and their relationship with Him), but the true test is how we interact, whether I am attracted to her in other ways. In the end, nothing matters more that her relationship with God, but there will be lots of girls with a great love for God - but that doesn't mean I should date each and every one of them just because they have a beautiful heart that loves Jesus. Any girl who loves Jesus will have a beautiful heart...

philiplikens | 03:58 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 15, 2006

Asia Slideshow

Here are all my best Asia photos in a slideshow.

philiplikens | 08:24 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Asia Thoughts Round 1

It took me going out of the country to be reminded and/or realize a few things.

1) It's all about God. Period. Nothing. Nothing else matters. Really really.

2) Being clean is a luxury. In Asia you aren't clean. The minute you step out of the shower you're dirty again. You can't walk around your apartment without getting your feet dirty... even if you clean it and leave your shoes at the door. It's just a very dirty place. Part of the luxury of being here in America is the fact that we can have a clean living area.

And generally kids don't go to the bathroom just off the sidewalk, by the tree, anywhere they want to here in the US.

3) This one is because of Geoff specifically: America would not be America without our wealth. If we weren't rich, we couldn't go to foreign countries and doors would not be open to us the way they are. Being blessed isn't something to resent, but at the same time, we do need to look at how we're spending our money.

4) Generally, the trip was wonderful. I love the country and would love to move over there. Despite the dirty, smelly, nastiness of it all, I love the people. They're kind and laid-back - Pretty non-abrasive. We got to see God move in some pretty awesome ways. Things are changing in Asia and it's cool to be a part. I want to be a part full time...

I'm sure there's more, but I'll have to think on it. I'm sure I'll post more about it eventually.

philiplikens | 09:03 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Language of Love

There's a language of love full of promises and prophecies, maybes and could-bes, desires and possibilities. Lover's dreams put into language - communicated in hopes that they might one day realized. But as with anything good, there is the danger of pain, of nightmares and broken words. Fear that maybes and could-bes would turn into won't-bes and never-were-meant-to-bes.

Anything worth having has the power to burn you. But i think it's worth it.

philiplikens | 08:35 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 14, 2006

Asia

I just got back from Asia. I'll post a blog about how God worked there, my thoughts on it all, etc... but I wanted to let you all see some of the photos from the trip. I'm in the middle of getting them all ready, but here are the first few:

The Asia Trip

There's a permanent link in the left bar of the site, I just wanted to call it out since it's new.

philiplikens | 04:30 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Love's Lasting Bond

Love creates a lasting bond. No matter where the other person goes, some part of you is sure to follow - there is something unexplainable, something supernatural about the way two hearts are bound together through love. And it's not just when two people are "in love" - it's lasting, it goes beyond the present. Even if the two are seperated, through years and miles, the bond remains and always tugs on the hearts of those involved. Though sometimes hard, it's a beautiful thing. I praise God for that tug, the reminder of that love.

philiplikens | 04:20 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Thoughts of You

First love, only love, how prophetic my words have been - that my thoughts of you would number the stars and the sand. I still think of you, often I do. I wish you the best. Wherever you are, whoever you are, now...

philiplikens | 04:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

May 28, 2006

Perspective

Oh, the power of perspective.

The word-picture of the cube only goes so far - but i'll continue to use it until it breaks down: Someone once said looking at God is much like looking at a cube - you might be able to see one, two or even three sides, but you'll never see all the sides at once. That is to say, with limited vision you see the attributes of God.

Each and every one of us has some perspective, some view of God. Just like fingerprints, no two individual's perspectives are the same (though any perspective, any insight should align with what the bible teaches, otherwise it isn't true). Each of us has some knowledge of truth, each of us has received some revelation, as Christians, on the attributes and character of God. Our individual insight is based on revelation by the Holy Spirit through reading the bible, prayer, thoughts, life experiences - and through communication. Therein lies the power of perspective.

Imagine holding your cube up in a room full of mirrors, imagine being surrounded by mirrors. By looking in the mirrors, by gaining new perspectives, you can basically see all sides of the cube. And that's not to say that we will ever be able to see all of God (that's the point where this word-picture breaks down), but that is to say that other's perspectives can show you parts of God you wouldn't normally see.

And really, this is the power in testimony. A personal testimony says "This is where I was, this is how God pulled me out, and this is what I see in all of it. For me, God's mercy looks like this, His grace looks like that, and His beauty looks like this other thing..."

I say all of this to encourage you to share your perspective, to tell your story, to communicate what God is doing in your life, the attributes of Himself that He has revealed to you. By sharing our perspectives, we share visions of the glory of God. Through our sharing God reveals Himself, His nature, and inspires us to keep running after Him. If you have a story, tell it. If you have a revelation, share it. We need all the perspectives we can get.

philiplikens | 07:48 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 27, 2006

Pain and Suffering

We love pain and suffering. We love to see it, hear about it and experience it. We feel better if we have something to talk about, to complain about - pain and suffering brings us some small, perverse comfort.

Look around - the news, the television, the newspaper, the movies. All these forms of media are heavy on the pain and suffering side. This is what the Tool song "Vicarious" is talking about:

"I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we just admit it?"

In some way we do want to just sit back and live vicariously through other people's experiences, but I think we also like to experience pain and suffering for ourselves. If we have something to complain about, we have something to talk about. Pain eases social discomfort, provides an easy connection.

Another aspect is martyr card that says "Look at me, I'm suffering for another person - aren't I great?" I think this is probably my personal favorite. It's a pride thing in me, personally. I think I can hold my head high if I lay myself down for someone else.

Ok, so maybe no one would outright say "I love suffering" or "I love pain" but I think there's something inside each of us that feels at home with it, find some comfort in it, or the bragging rights we take from it.

philiplikens | 07:20 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 26, 2006

The Plan

I don't think I'm supposed to be dating anyone right now. I think it's planned. And it's not that I don't want to date anyone. I wouldn't mind it. I just don't think that's the plan. I think the plan is that I'm single when I go to Asia. I think the plan is that I have a clear head when I go look at the country - that I not be tied to the states. I think the plan is that I really see if I could go live over there for a couple years. I think that's the plan. I think that's God's plan. I wonder what else is His plan.

philiplikens | 07:42 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 25, 2006

Laying in the Bed I've Made

My bed tore clean in two last night. It's kind of disconcerting... I just woke up and there it was, split in two halves - my head and shoulders on one half, my waist and legs on the other.

I'm not even kidding either.

philiplikens | 01:32 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Pride and Prejudice - Good Food

As you all know, or could know (per my "testimony of a porn addict"), I have a problem with lust. Because of this problem, I suppose, I have come to a most interesting revelation - but one that makes complete sense. Pride and Prejudice, the recent movie with Keira Knightley, actually helps with my lust problems. Let me explain:

If lust is the ill treatment of women and thus pornography, some advertising, movies, music further this mental abuse... wouldn't it make sense that the right treatment of women, or a picture of such, would help correct this ill treatment?

I am finding that I greatly enjoy pictures of right relationships, of chivalry. I am finding these pictures, these metaphors God has put into my world, help me right my head. Just as junk food will kill you but good food will keep you fit and healthy, doesn't it make sense that what we feed our mind matters? That if you put crap into your mind, it has nothing good to work with, but if you feed your mind everything good, it couldn't help but produce some good things? Now that's not to say that only inputing good will make you sinless and perfect - we are still sinful beings at the core - but perhaps it will help in our journey to look more like Christ.

philiplikens | 11:15 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 24, 2006

Beautiful Day

Today is my half birthday. And my day off. And 8 days til Asia. And I had lunch with a friend. And I'm sure the rest of the day will be most wonderful as welll...

philiplikens | 02:14 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 20, 2006

Rules of Attraction

I find myself less and less attracted to revealing and more and more attracted to flattering. In other words, on girls, I like clothing that fits well more than clothing that reveals more. I find some comfort, some innocence, some mystery in it. Revealing make me uncomfortable - my eyes love it, and I hate it. More and more I find myself sensitive to revealing... it makes me want to cry. Revealing makes me sick. Revealing makes me look away. Flattering, fitted, innocent makes me stop and look.

philiplikens | 10:56 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 17, 2006

Choking On My Own Blood

For me, trying to understand the Calvinism/Arminianism debate is like trying to swallow shards of glass. From the outset I knew something was wrong, I knew I tasted blood in my mouth, I knew it was going to cut... It cut me the first time, which made the next time harder. Each time I try the cuts get deeper. And each time I try it takes off the scabs, opens up the previous wounds. Now I'm finding that even the mention, the thought of this whole mess, this whole debate, leaves me nervous, coughing, choking, nearly drowning in my own blood. And it's so painful and so dangerous that it's hard to want to muster the strength to attempt it again.

philiplikens | 08:51 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 11, 2006

Jesu Eyes

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of someone's true beauty. I think I've seen three people in my lifetime how I feel Jesu would see them. For some reason, at an exact moment in time, I saw them in a way I don't see anyone else. It's not a sexual thing, not an attraction thing, it's a pure "look at this beautiful person created by God" type of a thing.

Similarly, I've looked into the eyes of a good many people... and every time I do I see something a little different. Usually there's some beauty, sometimes some sadness. Sometimes there's hurt and sometimes happiness. But only once in my lifetime have a been able to look through someone's eyes and straight into their heart. I have to say, it was amazing. It was breathe-taking. I don't understand how or why, I only know what happened, how I felt, what I saw.

I can't explain either of these occurrences - the glimpse at a people's beauty or the looking through the eyes. I think God has given me a vision that most people don't have - but I don't think I have it all the time. Or perhaps, my "all the time version" is my vision for art and beauty in the world - my "artist" eyes. And, perhaps, in rare cases, God lets me flip my vision to this other gift and He allows me to see amazing things. Perhaps He gives me "Jesu eyes" just for a split second every once in a while.

Having experienced "Jesu eyes" I can only imagine the woman at the well - how Jesu saw her, the way He looked at her and saw her beauty, the way He looked straight through her eyes and into her heart, the love He had for her in that moment, how his heart was breaking under her beauty and the resulting desire to save her from herself and her sin.

I think we have to be careful with the gifts of God. They're easy to neglect, easy to brush aside in the rush of life. I pray that I will never forget what God has shown me through these eyes. I pray that I will apply more of what I've seen to scripture to help me understand (much like the above woman at the well story). And I pray God will give me more glimpses of beauty, more eyes of Jesu.

philiplikens | 02:04 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Radical Faith

It seems like the more closely you follow God, the more you look like a lunatic - most of the time anyway. I think it's mostly because only God knows His end plan and we, being as short-sighted as we are, can't see where everything is going. I think this is why it's sometimes NOT wise to seek council from other people... because God may be speaking to you about your life, but He may not be speaking to them about you life - thus, they may give you council that goes against God. I think the important thing is to know when God is telling you to do something, live a certain way, etc... It's up to you to be able to recognize God's voice when He calls, and then obey.

Below are some examples of people who lived radical lives for God, made radical decisions that would, to the uninformed, look completely insane. These are true men of faith, men whose faith I want to mimic, no matter how crazy I look.

Joshua - God told Him to "attack" the city of Jericho with a marching band. The plan was to march around the walls six days in a row blowing their horns, then on the seventh day they would all circl up, and shout. At their shouting the walls would fall down and they would burn the whole city.

Abraham - God told Abraham to leave his family (which was basically suicide back then) and start walking and He would make him into a great nation. God also told Abraham later to sacrifice his son Isaac as a burnt offering to the Lord.

John the Baptist - Wore camel's hair and a leather girdle about his loins and ate locusts and wild honey - went around telling people that the messiah was coming and baptised people. He also had a tendency to tell the religious leaders of his time exactly what was on his mind.

Noah - God told him to build a boat big enough to hold two of every animal, 500ish miles from the ocean.

And of course Jesu claimed He was God (and was/is) but His family thought He was crazy, the religious leaders thought he was possessed by a demon, the people thought he was a reincarnated prophet...

I want to be who God wants me to be, I want to live how God wants me to live no matter what that looks like. No matter if people say I'm crazy. If God wants me to build a boat 500 miles from water, I want to do it. If I'm supposed to wear camel's hair and eat honey and wild locusts for God, so be it... I pray I have the faith to follow God even when I look stupid or insane.

philiplikens | 10:53 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 03, 2006

Feeling Better

In the immortal words of Monty Python "I'm feeling much better" today... yay! Finally some space to breathe... then back at it tomorrow. :)

philiplikens | 06:43 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Getting to Asia

I'm trying to get to Asia. If you feel that God might be calling you to help support something like that, please take a moment and read my support letter.

Thank you!

philiplikens | 12:24 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 02, 2006

Beatdown

I feel beatdown emotionally, physically.

philiplikens | 02:00 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 30, 2006

Global Night Commute Beautiful Disaster

It was a grand beat-down. Autumn and I left early because we were drenched. Basically what happened is that we had a tarp that we laid down, then we added some blankets and folded the tarp back over the top of us. So we went to sleep about 9 or something. I think it was 12 when people started scrambling because the sprinklers came on just a hundred feet or so from where we were.

Well... Autumn and I decided we didn't want to move so I rigged the tarp up to cover us a bit better and we figured we'd be fine. Well, we were the only ones who stuck through the sprinklers... and I'm pretty sure we're the only ones who left early cause they were drenched. Basically, the tarp leaks and it wasn't rigged good enough anyway so water just gathered in the bottom of the tarp and soaked us through. So for about 2 hours we laid there soaked, huddled together trying to stay warm. I think she was able to sleep, I didn't sleep really though. I just kinda thought about what a bad idea it was not to move away from the sprinklers. So, I ended up running back to get the car, picked her up, took her to her car and then we parted ways after a long "i know, i know, it was horrible wasn't it" hug.

I felt horrible. Like lower than low. I felt pretty worthless, very very insecure with myself, kinda felt like I couldn't win. It's been a rough week and I was just really down on myself - believing *all* of the devil's lies. So I cried for a while and eventually sent a text message to my good friend Tim just kinda stating how I was feeling. Well, he called me. At 5 am. He was awake... And thank God. I told him the story and he just laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And he helped me put the whole thing in true perspective. He helped me realize how funny it was that Autumn and I were sitting alone in the middle of a baseball fiend, in the middle of Dallas, Texas, under a tarp at 3 am, soaked to the bone because of the sprinklers, miserable and cold... all because I/we decided not to move and I mis-rigged an already leaky tarp.

The only other thing that redeemed the night for me was when Autumn said (paraphrased) "you know, I'm glad we stayed in the field and got soaked. Yeah, we were miserable, but we experienced more of what the children of Uganda experience - not every night they commute, every night they sleep outside, is clear and beautiful like ours. Some nights they get soaked to the bone... Some nights the wind rips through their fragile little bodies..." Amen. And for that reason, I'm happy to suffer...for even a glimpse of what it's like for them.

For more info on it all check http://www.invisiblechildren.com

philiplikens | 07:36 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 25, 2006

Drained

I feel completely drained of any energy especially emotional energy...

and I can't find God anywhere it seems.

philiplikens | 11:41 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 24, 2006

Broken

I feel broken today.

philiplikens | 09:53 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 22, 2006

Son of a Sinner

Son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a, son of a sinner... some days I feel it so vividly. I feel so alone. Distance self-imposed. I fell so hard. I fell so short of my intentions. And I mourn. I tear my mind from limb to limb. Ruthless. Relentless. And unrepentant.

"Promises and wishes all mean nothing when it's me I'm speaking to. Wanting something won't mean I will see it through." - Under My Feet by Celldweller

philiplikens | 08:30 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 21, 2006

Weight of Temptation

I have days that I am so weighed by temptation that, for fear that i will give in, i dare not move... i dare not risk encountering a catalyst that would send me over the edge of temptation and into sin.

philiplikens | 05:40 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Pride and Conviction

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own convictions that I mistakenly think everyone should be convicted about the same thing. Forgive me for this, all who have been hurt by it. Pray that I am not so selfish. I understand the Holy Spirit works in all of us, I just have a hard time shutting down what I think is best and letting Him do His thing. It is a pride issue for me. Lord, please take this from me!

philiplikens | 08:15 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 20, 2006

Pessimism

Pessimism is the devil's disease - he uses it to create unbelief, a hoplessness, an apathy toward life and God's plan that closes us off from God's ability to speak and work in our lives. Pessimism says "it will never turn out well" or "it will never happen" which leaves us predicting the outcome and creating self-fulfilling prophecies rather than leaving room for God to work.

philiplikens | 02:27 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 19, 2006

C. S. Lewis on Love

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
– C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

philiplikens | 12:03 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Haunted by Words

Sometimes my mind is haunted by old phrases. For the most part, this is a good thing - these phrases help me align with the life I'm trying to create, or somehow remind me that I might not be doing things right. Here are some examples:

"Promises and wishes all mean nothing when it's me I'm speaking to. Wanting something won't mean I will see it through."
- "Under My Feet" by Celldweller

This lyric runs through my head when I come to a point where I don't want to finish something I've started. It serves as a warning that it's easy to break promises to myself... from diets to art projects.

"If our fathers are our models for God, what does that tell you about God"
- Fight Club

This quote, for me, serves as a warning that I need to make sure I'm not modeling my mental image of God after anyone I'm in relationship with, including my father... as I tend to do.

There are more, I'll add them as they come up in my life.

philiplikens | 11:43 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 18, 2006

Global Commute

philiplikens | 10:45 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 17, 2006

Feeling, Seeing, Beauty

I feel vividly.

I sometimes see through people.

Beauty is often overwhelming for me.

All those things can make me cry.

philiplikens | 09:12 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 16, 2006

Encouragement

I am learning that Jesu gives me encouragement at exactly the right time.

philiplikens | 10:43 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 10, 2006

Sin Response

When we sin we have a choice, in the moments after we can choose to turn to God or away from God – and our response determines the degree to which we’re separated from God (and in that, the degree to which we suffer). If we turn away from God we enhance our punishment for our sin and separate ourselves. If we turn toward God immediately after we sin and repent, we are minimizing the hurt.

Biblical examples of this can be found in Adam and then his son Cain. In both cases (like father, like son) the man sins and then denies his sin rather than confessing and repenting. Who knows how their lives would’ve been different if they’d have turned to God instead of away from Him.

philiplikens | 09:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

How to Hear God in You Life

"You should be reading the bible more than you read any other book and you should be talking to God more than you talk to any other person."
-Time Haynes

philiplikens | 09:25 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 09, 2006

Jesus

I want Jesus with so much intensity it just breaks me down.

philiplikens | 07:10 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 07, 2006

Emotion, Weight and Contrast

I'm very emotional today. I've been emotional all week. But I don't feel it's a bad thing - I think this week, more than most weeks, God is letting me feel the weight of this life, this world... the beauty, the pain, the love, the hurt... all the contrast that comes with a world of people both fallen and, at the same time, redeemed.

"Without the dark, the light wouldn't be nearly as brilliant."

philiplikens | 08:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 04, 2006

Worship

When I sneak a peak at the people in my church while we're singing and worshiping I see so many droning faces with no smiles, no real expression of the words they're saying (though this is actually the most lively worshiping church I've been to). What I've tried to do of late is express what I'm singing. If I'm singing about the love of God, I try to be happy - I try to smile. If I was talking with someone about the love of God I would smile, so why not do it when I sing about it? And the cool thing is that God has blessed that and I've ended up getting really excited and happy when I worship... it's amazing. It's cool to feel the spirit moving.

philiplikens | 09:56 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 31, 2006

Dancing With Jesus

Around once a week you will find me dancing with Christ in the sanctuary of our church. Usually we’re alone when we dance, though every once in a while someone will come by and take notice. The funny thing about it – no matter who comes in, no one really hears our music and no one really sees our dance. I mean, they hear our music, but they don’t really hear it for what it is. And they see our dance, but they don’t recognize it for what it is.

You see, our dance is the dance of the vacuum cleaner and our music is the hum of it’s engine. We dance all over the floor of the sanctuary with a droning repetition and the hum of the motor drowns out any other sound. The beautiful thing though is not music or the dance itself, but the conversations we have. Jesus tells me of His love, His grace, His beauty - I tell Him the things on my mind, the struggles of this life, the hopes I have, the dreams.

I find myself learning more there in our dance than I do in my bible studies, in my small groups or on Sundays at church. It’s a beautiful, funny thing for me – dancing with Jesus is the only kind of dancing I do half well; the only kind I really enjoy.

philiplikens | 03:00 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 15, 2006

Treasure and Coal

Another way of seeing it:

You're either collecting treasures you'll enjoy forever, or collecting the very coal you'll burn by.

philiplikens | 09:34 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

March 14, 2006

The Importance of Sharing

God reveals different attributes, things that are true of Himself, to different people. When I might see God's beauty, another might see God's love or grace. Because of this, it's important that we share these revelations and experiences so that we might understand more of God by seeing His attributes through the eyes of another.

philiplikens | 08:21 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 13, 2006

Honest Abe on Prayer

"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."
-Abraham Lincoln

philiplikens | 10:40 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 09, 2006

A Brief Chat on Speeding and the Law

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ, let’s have a chat. There is absolutely no reason any of us should caught speeding – because none of us should be speeding. There’s no reason any of us should be breaking the law, unless you must in order to obey God (the devine law). And that means no 5 mph over, no rolling through red lights etc etc...

For the bible says:

“Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. Therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience' sake. For because of this you also pay taxes, for {rulers} are servants of God, devoting themselves to this very thing. Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax {is due;} custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.”
- Romans 13:1-7

and:

“Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right.”
- 1 Peter 2:13-14

philiplikens | 04:29 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

March 08, 2006

The Devilry of Death

Oh the devilry that exists in the moment when the childhood “illusion” of eternity – the eternity of family, the eternity of a single moment - is shattered by death.

philiplikens | 09:30 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

February 26, 2006

I Want To Be

I want to be all that I am capable of, in Christ, rather than all that I currently am. And I suppose I'm on the road... the road to transformation into perfection. I'm just curious what it looks like further down the road. And I'm curious whether I'll be over seas in a few years, or still here. Curious whether I'll have a job at a church, be a full time artist, or if I'll be back at a corporate job. I'm curious... I want to be so much more than I am now...

philiplikens | 11:16 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

February 22, 2006

Language, Thought & Faith

Are we capable of thought without language? I think so – unless language is more than words, but is also images and feelings.

Some would say that mastery of language enables a deeper capacity for thought. I don’t know if I agree or disagree. I should think that clear communication of complex thought probably is dependent on the depth of language in the two communicating – but I do not know if internal thought & comprehension is dependent upon language. What I am trying to get at is this: the comprehension of God from another’s perspective hinges on our ability to clearly communicate & understand (the level of mastery of a given language) but our ability to comprehend God would seem to depend less on language & more on holy revelation & capacity for understanding that inward revelation (the communication between the heart/mind and the Holy Spirit).

AW Tozer says “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” He goes on to say “Were we able to extract from any man a complete answer to the question, ‘What comes into your mind when you think about God?’ we might predict with certainty the spiritual future of that man.”

But what if that man isn’t capable of complex thought? Have you ever met someone who is just vacant? Void? They don’t seem to “be there,” whether from drugs or disease. I wonder if God can still bring someone with, say, Alzheimer’s to a knowledge of Him? Is saving knowledge of Christ really something that belongs to the mind, or is it an affair of the heart that the mind then comprehends and builds on? Does the Holy Spirit communicate in language the mind understands or does He groan in such a way the heart understands what He is saying?

philiplikens | 03:52 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

February 21, 2006

Best Food I've Had

The Plaza, Borger, Texas – Quesadillas
Angry Dog, Dallas, Texas – Burger
Chuys, Dallas, Texas – Enchiladas (Elvis Memorial Combo) / Elvis Green Chili Fried Chicken
Rudy’s, Denton, Texas – Chopped Beef Baked Potato (Bar-b-que)
Buster’s, Dallas, Texas – Tacos Al Carbon
Murphy’s, Bartlesville, Oklahoma – Hot Hamburger (Gravy over all)
Mirabelle, Dallas, Texas - Fillet Mignon
Mercury Grill, Dallas, Texas – Chicken
PF Chang’s, Dallas, Texas – Mongolian Beef, Great Wall of Chocolate (7 layer chocolate cake)
Carabba’s, Grapevine, Texas – Sicilian Chicken Soup, chicken marsala
Blue Mesa, Dallas, Texas - Sunday Mexican Brunch Buffet
Cafe Brazil, Dallas, Texas - Chorizo Omelet

philiplikens | 09:41 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

February 18, 2006

Useless Information

It just dawned on me today that I can memorize all kinds of useless information rather easily, but I have yet to apply that ability to scripture.

I am an idiot sometimes.

philiplikens | 09:48 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

December 13, 2005

Dear God

I am yours, save me.

philiplikens | 10:41 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 04, 2005

My Flesh Betrays Me

Oh my God! Hear my cry! Honor my plea! Pour thy grace upon me!

My flesh betrays my mind, my mind betrays my heart and my heart, my Father, betrays you.

It’s too much for me to bear! My sin overwhelms me! Lord, please take my burden! Lift me into your arms!

philiplikens | 09:58 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 01, 2005

Why I Live The Way I Do: A Testimony of My Life in Christ

This is both a public testimony of why I live the way I do, and a statement of intention to keep living and further live out the life I have chosen in Christ Jesus.

I am not perfect, but flawed and broken. The thoughts and intentions outlined below are merely the rules by which I attempt to live my life. Again, I am not perfect and quite often break my own rules. Never the less, this is the way I attempt to live and the reasons why.

Please do not take this testimony of life as a judgment on your life, should it differ from my own, but as an explanation for my own actions in relation to my beliefs. I do not wish to condemn others by my own thoughts or actions, but rather to tell people of the hope I have found in living for Jesu.

The “Rules” of Christianity and Why I Try To Abide By Them

Some people would say that rules restrict freedom, and to exercise your freedom is to break the rules. But if you break the rules for the sake of breaking the rules, you aren’t really exercising your freedom – the rules are still determining your actions. If, however, you objectively look at your circumstance and decide based on your goals what’s best to do, that’s exercising your freedom.

Most of the time rules have consequences if they are broken. Being free also, in my mind, doesn’t mean your ignore the consequences of your actions. Being free just means you can make a choice and accept what’s coming to you based on that choice.

I suppose all of this is to explain the idea of free will within Christianity. Most people would look at the rules of Christianity and say “If you’re a Christian, you’re not free – just look at the sacrifices, the rules. No getting drunk, getting laid outside of marriage, no gossiping, no lying, etc.” I think being a Christian is to be just as free as everyone else, however we believe there are consequences to our actions.

Generally Christians are trying to have a closer relationship with God – in part because we believe true joy is only found in God. The bible tells us that sin separates us from God (the reason being: God is wholely good and righteous, therefore He rejects anything which is not good and righteous – like sin. To be righteous before God involves believing in Christ Jesus and that He died for your sins for this very reason but that’s a whole other topic in itself). So every time we (Christians) make a decision, to get drunk or not, to get laid or not, we are really deciding whether we want to be closer to or further from God. We are free to decide, but we will have to live with the consequences of our decisions.

In an attempt to frame this and put all this is some kind of perspective, I will say this: Hell is eternal separation/damnation from God, while sin is temporary separation from God (if you confess and repent to Christ).

It is my personal goal to know Christ and pursue Him to the best of my ability – which is to say that I want to be close to, and not separated from, Him as much as possible. And that’s why I attempt to do those things which help me to stray from that which the bible calls “sin” or “evil” – it’s the separation from God from which I flee, not the action itself (whether it be premarital sex, drunkenness, lying, etc).

Intentional Living

There are other things I do, or refrain from doing, that you would not find described in the Bible as either “good” or “sinful” – in some instances the Bible leaves us to decide what is good and bad for ourselves as we are all different and different things lead different people to sin. I call these things I do, or this way of life, “Intentional Living” - these are things (tools) I use to submit myself to the Lord so that I may be better able to worship Him and not fall into sin. I do not uphold these things perfectly, I am far from perfect, but these are a few of the rules or ideas I have set forth for myself so that I might be a living sacrifice to God:

I do not drink at all, because I know myself, my flesh, to be weak and I know how hard it would be for me to not take drinking to an extreme – to be drunk, and thus be in sin.

I do not sleep in a normal “bed”, but on a flattened cardboard box, because I know that comfort makes me lazy. I do the work I do (art, etc) as worship to my God and to be lazy for me, is to not worship. It is for the sake of worship that I also do not have a couch, or many chairs in my apartment. This also serves as a reminder to me that this life is temporary, that this is not my home, but that my home is Heaven.

I put up signs in my apartment to remind me of God’s presence. Whenever I see a sign I attempt to break my thoughts from that which I was dwelling on and turn my thoughts to God - whether in worship, praise or prayer. This is so that I might dwell on God rather than the worries of this world.

I eat salad, vegetables and drink smoothies (I’m not a vegetarian) at home in an effort to take care of the body God has given me. I also work out periodically for this same purpose. With the exception of smoothies, I generally don’t love these things but I do them for the glory of God and out of respect for His creation. I also don’t drink sodas or coffee and try to stay away from caffeine and artificial sweetener for these same reasons – so that I might be healthy and thus able to work and worship longer.

I serve my gifts. No matter day or night, wherever I am, if I get an idea for an art piece, I will write the idea down. I believe that God has given me a gift and it is my responsibility to be a good steward of that gift - therefore, my life is devoted God and the service of the gifts He has given me.

In Conclusion

So this is my life: a mixture of attempting to abide by God’s law (in the Bible), and attempting to abide to the rules I’ve set in place myself (in an attempt to submit my flesh to Christ). The life I lead is not for everyone, but I can testify to the greater joy I have found in Christ as a result of this way of life.

I have tried giving into the flesh, not abiding by God’s law, and the resulting separation from God is quite literally Hell. I can honestly say that no true joy ever comes out of sin, but out of obedience to Him; I have found this to be true in my own life, through my own experiences.

Nothing can describe the awesome feeling of being in God’s presence, delighting in Him. And I know it sounds weird, comical, and borders on sounding insane – I guess that’s why you must experience God to understand the feelings I try to describe.

I do not condemn your way of life if it is different from my own, but I encourage you to ask yourself how it’s working for you. If you feel some hole, some unrest, some want inside of you that you can never satisfy with money, sex, relationships, alcohol, clothes, food or anything else of this life, I urge you to try filling that hole with Christ. I urge you to pursue God with me – to try out my way of life. I have no doubt that once you experience the joy of Christ, you’ll never be the same.

If you have more questions for me, or if I have left something unclear, please just send me a note. I have tried to explain things here to the best of my ability, but I know I didn’t cover everything and would love to answer any questions. If you are interested in trying my way of life, interested in living for Christ, but don’t know where to start, let me know. I can point you in the right direction and help you get started. The beginning is merely asking, in prayer, God to take your life over.

Jesu loves you and He is always faithful.

God bless,
-Philip

A side note – When I say He, Him, Jesu, Jesus, Christ, God, His, I am referring to God. I believe in one God, eternal in nature, creator of all things in Heaven and here on Earth. I believe in the Holy Trinity of God the Father, God the Son (Jesu, Jesus Christ) and God the Holy Spirit. I believe that Christ became a man (100% man and 100% God at the same time… go figure that one out), died for our sins and rose again on the 3rd day so that we might be declared righteous in God’s sight. I believe that the Holy Spirit dwells in each and every believer in Christ and intercedes with prayers on our behalf.

Another side note: The reason I post this is not to look "holy" or "good" (Trust me, though I try to be, I am neither of those things as much as I'd like. If Paul is the chief of sinners, I shudder to think what I might be) but to explain my actions in Christ. This is an attempt to show the world the joy in my life, the reason for it, and the path I have found in my pursuit of it (joy in Christ).

philiplikens | 07:21 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

October 21, 2005

Gender Weakness

When I'm talking to the opposite gender and enjoying the conversation I can feel my heart pulling. In it's weakness it pulls toward something I don't need, but want, and away from the very thing I need, which is God. And that's not to say that women and God are exclusive, it's just at this point in my life I think it might be best to make them be that way.

On a side note, I've always felt this real desire to have a child (in fact, when I was small I told my mom I was going to have 9 children) and I don't feel that any more.

philiplikens | 12:10 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

October 17, 2005

Pale In Comparrison

How amazing it is to be an artist because I can realize and appreciate how uncreative and unartistic I am compared to God.

philiplikens | 10:16 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

Self Examination

I believe self examination into submission is the only kind of self examination God cares much for.

philiplikens | 10:02 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Serving God Though Art

Just as God loves the sinner but hates the sin, I should think he delights in the act of an artist producing art, but hates the resulting work if it blasphemes. And herein lies the difference in “glorifying God by using your skills and producing artwork” versus “serving God through your art.” The first says “the act is glorifying and that is enough” whereas the second says “the act is glorifying, but the work itself should serve as well.”

An example of this is when you receive a gift you do not want. You appreciate the act, the giving of a gift, but not the gift itself. How much better is it to receive a gift you actually want? How much better is it when an artist serves God in the work as well and glorifying Him by producing the work?

philiplikens | 09:59 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

September 09, 2005

Lakewood Summer Arts Faire

I'll be at the Lakewood Summer Arts Faire all weekend. Say a prayer and wish me luck.

philiplikens | 02:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

September 01, 2005

New Way of Life

Today is the first day of no "work" in the traditional sense - my first day that my job is to pursue God through art, ministry and missions. I'm stoked. There are so many good things going on right now such as: I'll be in the Lakewood Summer Arts Faire displaying/selling my photography, I'm in the new members class at the Village and there's a creative arts ministry that's starting up at the Village. Hee Haw! God is good.

philiplikens | 12:49 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 28, 2005

The Man Game

I can play the man game. I can fake an orgasm. I can bust balls, slap butts, pinch nipples and give noogies - but can I really connect? Can I confess? Can I really love them as I should?

philiplikens | 04:54 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 27, 2005

Criticizing Sin

It’s ok to be critical of sin if there’s some hope of reform. If there is no hope of reform, there’s no use in being critical of sin – it becomes wasted energy stolen from the pursuit of God by Satan. To be critical of sin without the ability to change is simply just being critical.

Ex: The guy who cusses you out on the road, who you say “that’s horrible, sinful” – you’ll never talk to him. Ever. So if you dwell on his sin, it’s wasted energy and, thus, of the Devil.

philiplikens | 05:27 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 25, 2005

All-In-Faith

I’m sitting in a smoky room, wrist resting on the edge of the folding table. My chips are piled high in mountains of red and blue. The dealer is flipping cards across the table. I have my two in hand. Just before I go to look at my hand the dealer stops me. He leans over the table and whispers "Bet everything… trust me. You don’t need to look at your cards. If you bet it all, you’ll win." I ponder for a second. And another second. And another... What a crazy idea – that I’m guaranteed to win in I just go all-in. It’s that easy. But what if he’s wrong? I’d lose everything. But he says I’ll win, I just have to go all-in.

It’s hard to do. All-in-faith. If I die to myself, give up my life, give everything to Christ, go all-in, I win. Period. Guaranteed. But I have to have faith to risk it all. I have to have faith to go all-in. But if I go all-in, I’m guaranteed to win.

Pray for me, I’m trying to go all-in. All-in-faith.

philiplikens | 08:46 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 23, 2005

Warmth

I find I enjoy the warmth of the noon hour on these Summer days if, and only if, I'm enjoying the warmth of the noon hour. But, if I'm doing anything else besides enjoying the warmth, there's no enjoying it. If, for instance, I'm playing disc golf, I resent the heat. I curse it. But, perhaps there's an in-between. Perhaps I can learn to multi-task - to enjoy the heat and do whatever else it is that I'm doing. A challeng no doubt.

philiplikens | 01:10 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Reinventing the Wheel

"thanks; I was starting to write this bitch for myself and I thought 'man, this thing I'm carving looks suspiciously like a wheel.'"
- Daniel Heath

---

I ran across this quote earlier today when I was looking for info on the datediff function. I thought it was hillarious. I'm guilty of reinventing the wheel over and over again. I'm fine with it though, I feel like I learn alot from reinventing over and over again. I feel like it keeps me on my toes. But I loved the words he chose - because I get the "hmm...this is starting to look like a wheel" thought too...

philiplikens | 12:58 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 22, 2005

An open letter to Mr. Chin’s Twin

Dear Mr. Chin’s Twin,

Forgive me for not knowing your name. It’s just that I never want to know your name, nor do I ever want to see you again. Your are quite unsightly. You are not welcome! Please leave. You’ve been hanging around for a year or two now, getting a little bit bigger as you go... this is becoming unacceptable. So I feel I must make a stand, do the right thing.

You have 9 days to leave Mr. Chin’s Twin. If you have not gone in 9 days certain plans will be set into motion and measures will be taken against you. On your way out please share this message with the Lovehandle twins and their friend Mr. Bellyfat.

Thank you.
Philip Likens

PS. Just to clairfy, I beleive Father Time and the Junk Food Gang invited you around, but I did not. You were never welcome, I've just now decided that you should go.

philiplikens | 12:55 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 11, 2005

Reading For Joy and Prophets

It’s funny, I’ve never really enjoyed reading the bible. I always knew I should read the bible for various reasons but I never really enjoyed it. But recently, especially this morning, I really enjoyed my time.

I started reading Romans this morning - which is a book I find kind of intriguing. And this time I’m studying instead of just reading it like a book. Instead of just reading “as the prophets said,” instead I go look up who the prophets were and what they said. And let me tell you, if you’re unaware, the prophets are hilarious. I wouldn’t have wanted to live when they did but man, some of the stuff is really funny.

Take the time some kids were making fun of the prophet Elisha. They were calling him a baldy and basically insulting his religion and God. Well, God sent 2 bears from the forest to maul the kids. I’m not kidding. 42 of the little brats died. That’s kinda funny. If only that would happen to kids these days we wouldn’t have much of a mouthing-off problem would we…

Anyway, it’s fun exploring the bible. For one of the first times, I’m really having fun with it. Thank God.

philiplikens | 08:52 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 06, 2005

Revelation vs Application

"The pursuit of new revelation must bend it's knee to the application of what we already know."
-Matt Chandler

philiplikens | 12:42 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 01, 2005

Letting Go Of All I've Held On To

I gave my notice on Friday but couldn't say anything publicly until now (per the request of my employer). I don't have another job lined up. I'm not quiting because of coworkers, my boss or my job.

I'm quitting because I feel that's what God is asking me to do.

God has been pursuing me for a year. He's given me visions of a life of art and ministry. I have many ideas – there are so many things God has put upon my heart. And it's finally time to pursue those things, those emsleys God has given me.

For a year God's told me “step out, live the life you're mean to live, the one you want to live” and for one year I've said “no, it's too scary.” But last week God was especially hard at work on my heart and some things began to change inside me.

On Tuesday I heard a sermon by Matt Chandler in which he said (paraphrased) “Some of you are pregnant with ministry ideas and you need to give birth.” And I went, “you're right.” And so that got me thinking a bit but I still didn't have the courage.

Wednesday I listened to more of Matt Chandler's sermons online. In one of them entitled “The Helmet of Salvation” he references a girl named Lynley Herbert and her boyfriend, Ryan Maxwell, who were killed in a car wreck a few year ago. I didn’t know Lynley but I did know Ryan – I went to school with him for 8 years. Ryan and I were only acquaintances, but what the details of the situation impacted me all the same. See, Lynley and Ryan were pursuing Christ hard and fast and God was really working in their lives. And I thought that was awesome. And it brought me to tears at work.

On Thursday night we got the word my cousin in law had accepted Christ. There was much rejoicing in the Christians that know her. What a blessing.

On Friday I woke up and got in the shower. I was thinking, as usual, and the thought popped in my head “what if I decided to go for it, what if I stepped out in faith today.” As usual, the rational side screamed out. I read the bible some looking for answers, I called my Mom and I called my Dad and they both provided very good insight and listened quite well... but I wasn't for sure that God wanted me to do it. At lunch I went home and thought about it all. Then I went and got gas and read my bible a bit more as the tank was filling up.

Then I departed and was on my way to work when “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse came on my iPod. And it fit perfectly. I cried the rest of the way to work. It was exactly where I was. And I knew the answer.

I talked with my employer and He was very respectful and understanding when I told him I felt like God was calling me to step out.

And that's how I stepped out. I finally did it. I don't have any work lined up, no job, no income lined up... I'll just have to trust God that he'll take care of my financial needs.

I plan to work on art and do as much ministry stuff as possible. I have several ideas, many of which are in the “My Creations” link list on this page, but some of them have yet to be outlined. At any rate, I'll be developing those ideas and talk more about them when the time comes.

Until then, please pray for me that I'll have the strength to keep trusting God and that his will will reign supreme.

Thanks. God Bless.

philiplikens | 12:17 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (6)

July 30, 2005

My Bitches

I don't want clean, comfortable and fake. I want vulnerability, accountability, heartbreak, nakedness, openness, love, listening, tears, hugs. I want gritty, dirty, messy. I want hurt and uncomfortable growth. I want real. I want all that in my bitches (Brothers In The Creator's Hands).

philiplikens | 07:45 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 27, 2005

10K And Focusing On The Past

Hypothetical situation:

You no money at all. In fact, you have a debt of $10,000. Your friend Bob has $10,000. Your friend bob pays off your debt for you. All $10,000. Because he’s your best friend; because he loves you.

I suppose most of us would thank Bob for paying off our debt. Most of us would try to do something nice for him. Thank him repeatedly. But that’s not exactly what you do in this situation.

You thank Bob. Then you decide what he did was so great it deserves a permanent place in your life – so you design a symbol of the debt. You make a sign that reads “10k” and that sign serves as a reminder of what Bob did.

But let’s just say Bob comes over and says, “Hello friend, let’s go hang out.” You respond, eyes fixed on the 10k sign, with “Thanks for repaying the debt for me.” Bob stands there for a minute and says “You’re welcome. I appreciate your thankfulness, I’m glad you remember what I did, but let’s go hang out.” And again you respond, eyes fixed on the 10k sign, with “Thanks for repaying the debt.”

Wouldn’t that be frustrating for Bob? He’s glad you remember what he did but if that’s all you do, your friendship is then worthless to him.

Here’s the real life situation: Most American Christians are obsessed with the symbol of the cross. For many people it’s just a symbol of being a Christian. For some, when they look at it they actually remember what Christ did. But most Christians are stuck at one of those two places. Most Christians are stuck saying “I’m not worthy of the cross Lord. Thank you for what you’ve done.” And Christ is saying “you’re welcome, now come live life with me.” And most of us are still sitting, staring at the cross.

At best the cross is a reminder of the love of Christ. At the worst it’s a hang-up, a tripwire. We so easily make it into just a symbol of this group we belong to, or we hide behind our unworthiness, or we just sit and stare at the cross – we never recover and live.

I’ve certainly been guilty of all of this. It’s a struggle. I’m beginning to think all this cross stuff is idolatry. I really am. And I’m beginning to see that I need to remember what he did, but step out from behind the cross and start living with Christ in the here and now. I (and we) need to start living the way Christ is asking us to live – in the present.

---

A side thought as I sat writing this – back long ago there was no cross, no visible symbol of what Christ did. Was there a Christian symbol in Christ’s day? Or was the symbol what you talked about and how you lived? Have Christians alienated people today because of the cross bearing? Have we segmented off from everyone else because we’ve hung crosses between us and the secular world? Is that really what we want to do? Be known as the cross people? Or do we want to be known for our love and compassion? Be known for our willingness to help and our positive outlook?

philiplikens | 12:11 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

July 26, 2005

A Place To Start

So... with God's help I started something else new. A place to start is a place to start for people who want to pray. It's my hope that this new project will help people with their communication with God.

See, the idea of God is hard. I know this and I've been a Christian since I was 5. The idea of talking to someone who is not physically in front of you, who you can't see photos of, who you can't directly hear a voice from, is tough for most people - especially non-Christians, I would imagine. And I know, even as a Christian, I sometimes have trouble talking to God when things get rough.

So the idea is that a place to start will be a place to go if you need a virtual hand to hold while you talk to God. A place where you can go when you can't find the words to say. My hope is that it'll be a place to start... but not dwell. It's my hope that people will move past a place to start, and move into a relationship with God, or a church, or a prayer group.

But it is my hope that a place to start will give people a place to start with God. It's my hope that God will use this project to bring people closer to him. God works in mysterious ways, perhaps He can work in this way too.

So if you pray, please pray for this project. Pray that God will use it and all the glory will go to him.

philiplikens | 06:21 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Praying Naked

I want to pray naked.

No, not naked as in nude. Naked as in "bare my heart and mind and soul to God when I pray" naked. As in "be vulnerable" naked. No masks, no hiding, just the truth. And it's hard. Since the day Adam started hiding from God, things just haven't been the same for the human race. We all try to hide from God, but that's not the way it's supposed to be. God loves us for who we are, not what untruths we hide behind.

And I don't pray as much as I should. I'm guilty of that sad fact. But I'm trying. And that's partly why, the selfish part why, I started a myspace group called "I Pray Naked".

The name "I Pray Naked" is pulled from a song entitled "Pray naked" from the album "Pray Naked" by the 77s. In that song they say "No matter who you are, no matter what you do, there's only one thing I ask of you, and that's if you pray, then when you pray, be naked prey. Pray naked." And I like it. It's inspiring. And so that's the group's name.

The point of the group is two fold. One is to encourage people to pray or pray more than they do and to be open to God when they pray – to lay it all out. The other is to take prayer requests of people on myspace and to pray for these people.

God willing, this group will expand and impact people's lives.

I'm also trying to put together a group of people to help pray – to make sure all the prayer requests each week get prayed for. So if you're interested in praying naked, please send me an email and let me know. I'd love for you to be part of the prayer team.

And if you're on myspace, be sure you join the group...

philiplikens | 05:47 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

July 14, 2005

Racist Against Queers

Soo...I was standing in line at Target and a colored woman was in line in front of me. She scooted her things up so I could set mine down on the conveyer belt and I said "thank you." She mumbled some things that I couldn't quite make so I said "Are you having a nice night?" She replied "Don't talk to me, I'm racist against queers." I just kinda stood there shocked and didn't say anything.

Part of me wanted so say "I'm not homosexual." Another part wanted to say "Fuck you." And the third part wanted to say "Jesus loves you." None of those parts got out, I just stood there.

It was all wrong in so many ways. This world is so messed up.

philiplikens | 09:28 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (10)

June 26, 2005

Art

Congrats Melissa! Congrats on your first show. I'm jealous. You've helped inspired the flame under my butt to go "do it."

I also got to meet Shellie this weekend...that was fun. And yeah, she's that cool in real life. She's as cool as her artwork... which I think is totally rad.

I also met a few other people this weekend at Shakesfaire who really inspired me to step out and try things.

I spent a bunch of money...but it was all on things to become a better artist...all tools. I'm really stoked about it all. I feel good and happy. Yay for me. I'm ready to go. Look out world, here I come.

philiplikens | 12:31 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

June 23, 2005

Drawing

I started drawing again. I'm as good now as I've ever been... and I haven't practiced (I've doodled, but haven't drawn) in a couple years. It has to do with my dexterity - I've matured in the last few years and my dexterity has gotten a bit better. I was never horribly clumsy but it's things like this that make me realize how much has improved. It's interesting though - I'm going to try to get myself in practice and see where I can take my drawing skills. Hopefully I'll improve even more, which will help when I attempt paintings.

philiplikens | 10:06 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 20, 2005

Time to Think

"An artist needs time to do nothing but sit around and think and let ideas come to him" - Jacob Kahn, "My Name is Asher Lev" by Chaim Potok

---

This is what I am missing these days.

philiplikens | 07:02 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

June 13, 2005

Finding Love

If you're trying to find a mate the best piece of advice I have is: Find someone who loves God with all their heart. The more they love God, the better able they will be to love you.

philiplikens | 09:59 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Finding Neverland

I watched Finding Neverland this weekend. It's a wonderful film, wonderful story. If you wonder where I am trying to go, see Depp's character in that movie. I am working to find my own version of Neverland right now... squinting my Isaacs.. You will all soon see what I mean.

philiplikens | 08:56 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

June 10, 2005

Writing

I've been busy this week, which is somewhat unfortunate. I find that if I pack my life with too many things, things for myself, my creativity, my health, these things all suffer. My writing is has to do with my sanity and my creativity - I think it's also a bit of a guage of my spiritual life (which is a little scary). My spiritual life certainly suffers when I get busy with the things of this world. I'm thinking it's just a matter of cutting out a solid block of time for those things I need to do. But I can't do it on my own. :)

philiplikens | 01:59 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

June 05, 2005

Of Ants and Geckos

I smash ants. Especially if they're in my apartment. Especially if they're large and red. But I don't smash geckos. Why do I not smash geckos or let the ants live? Perhaps it is threat based? I know a gecko won't harm me; I know an ant bite will make me swell like a lactose intolerant person in a mozzarella factory. So perhaps it's threat based – but I don't think that's the whole explanation. I think, in this small way, I'm discriminatory.

What animal/insect deserves to live more? Both, but I probably respect the ant more.

Why would I respect an ant? Because they're a near perfect example of who we're called to be in Christ. They're obedient to the will of the queen (read: their god), their decisions are for the good of everyone else, they're willing to defend their faith/church/anthill and they're willing to die for the cause – no questions asked. What does a gecko do? Who knows, but it's nothing compared to an ant.

Which should live? Both. Which do I kill? The one who paints the best picture of how our relationship with God should be. Isn't that jacked up?

---

This whole topic came up when i pulled off the road to get a gecko off my car safely – so he wouldn't get killed... the same day I killed an ant in my apartment.

philiplikens | 05:29 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

God's Gift of Perfect Timing

I experienced a gift this morning – a gift involving God's timing.

I had taken a nap yesterday from 2 – 6pm and was wide awake through the night till this morning. Around 6am the sun began to rise. As I looked out my window I thought, “what a perfect time it would be to go for a walk – or to play disc golf.” It had been thundering but I decided to go ahead and play disc golf.

By the time I got to the park it was 6:30am. I played 18 holes with thunder and lightening around me, grey skies above me. As I finished hole 18 at 7:30 I noticed a few drops appearing on the sidewalk. It didn't matter much though because I was walking to my car.

As I walked, I eyed a swing set and thought “what fun it would be to swing on the swing set.” I quickly disregarded the idea as being silly (I haven't swung in 4 - 6 years probably) – plus it was beginning to sprinkle. As I kept walking, I decided it wasn't so silly after all, I should give in to the playful child inside, so I went and swung on the swings for a good 10 minutes. When I was through I resumed my walk to my car.

Fifteen feet from my car it began to rain. In those last 15 feet I smiled and thought to myself “This is God's timing. I risked, I did what I wanted to do, something innocent, something playful – and He held off the rain just for me. What a beautiful gift.”

And so, I thank God for his beautiful gift of wonderful timing. And I thank Him for the metaphor and opening my eyes to see it – He was saying to me “If it's good, if it's glorifying to me, do it. I'll take care of the rain and anything else that needs to be taken care of. Don't worry about the things beyond your control.”

philiplikens | 08:17 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

May 31, 2005

Listening To Detriment

Who am I to say I can help a single person by listening? Am I better at listening than God? All I'm doing is delaying or preventing the person I love from taking their problems to God. Who am I to do such a thing?

philiplikens | 08:41 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

May 26, 2005

The Optimist and The Perfectionist

There is a flaw in me that is the optimist and perfectionist made one. This entity say "Another time will be better than this, eventually the stars will align." Later is says "Oh, the best time has already passed but perhaps the future will be better. At this point it's best to wait until the time is right."

philiplikens | 12:05 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 25, 2005

God's Paintbrush

I want to be God's paintbrush.

philiplikens | 09:40 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

May 24, 2005

Half Birthday

Today is my half birthday. I am twenty-three and one half years old. Some people would say "you're not getting any younger" but I would have to argue. I think I'm getting younger, not in the chronological sense, but in my mind and in my creativity. It is my desire to be more like a child in my thinking; ever curious, always inquiring, always experimenting. It is my prayer that the height of my “maturity” (worldly maturity – my imposing of limits and constraints on my life) will have been at the age of twenty-two. I am attempting to walk backwards, to regain myself as I was when I was five. I seem to have lost myself along the way.

You see, Madeleine L'Engle is teaching me that many things are possible; things that one dismisses in the change from child to adult. Is it possible to walk on water or to transcend space/time and converse with Moses or Elijah? Perhaps. Why close off the possibility – because the “grown-up” world says to? As Albert Einstein said “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”

So I say out with the prejudices and in with the boundless possibilities I knew as a child. I’m going back - back to my childhood, back to seeing all the possibilities, back to an imagination in tune with God. Today I’m twenty-three and a half going on age five.

philiplikens | 09:10 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (4)

May 21, 2005

Lists

There are two ways to view lists - one is to view it as a list of things that need to be done. The other way is to view it as a list of things I want to do. I tend to view all lists as the first type when, in reality, most of the lists I make are of the second type.

philiplikens | 09:57 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

May 19, 2005

The Dreamer and The Doer

I'm a dreamer, not a doer; I'm a doer because I dream.

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I first posted the above alone but perhaps I should explain.

I am a dreamer. I am an idea person. I would love nothing more than to sit and think of things, creative things, all day long. Creative solutions to everyday problems, interesting projects that make people think... these are the things I dream up, the things I record in my notebooks every day... day by day.

I am a doer because I dream. It's of necessity that I do actually create the things I dream up. And that's not to say that I don't enjoy the doing of things every once in a while, but generally speaking I don't care who does it as long as it gets done right (up to my standards). I do have a fetish with seeing the end product though. And part of that fetish is knowing I dreamed it up (per God).

I feel it is my calling to dream and I feel it is my calling to share those dreams. In order to share those dreams I must do things, create works of art. But in the end: I am a dreamer, not a doer; I'm a doer because I dream.

philiplikens | 08:39 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 18, 2005

A Terrible Lie

"I am obsessive when it comes to writing and somewhat compulsive about it. Sometimes it feels like an addiction. I write because I’m afraid to say some things out loud. I’m afraid that if people know what is inside me, they will have the power to hurt me. When I write I become brave because in that moment, everyone else seems too far away to matter.

"I’m very good with words, and that is a dangerous thing. I sense that my soul is in great peril with Real Live Preacher, and yet it is a good thing for me to write. I hope you will pray for me because sometimes I start to think that I'm someone special because of all the attention I’ve been getting. But that is a terrible lie, and if I ever start believing it, Real Live Preacher will die. That’s the truth."

---

I like this quote from real live preacher - I feel this way. I know I have gifts - writing, visual art - but I know that if I let it get to my head it's all over. If I think I'm something special, it's all for not. As tyler would say "You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake."

Are we unique and beautiful as individuals? Are we special? Perhaps... But it's better we not believe it.

philiplikens | 11:02 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (6)

The Next Level

I feel as though the next level for me as an artist is to have work in a public forum - I have work in apartments/houses, I have work on the internet. And so I find myself searching for the right project to fill the right space. I want something massive, but something I can finish. Something that will overpower someone - I want something moving. I want something that will make two lovers kiss, a single man smile. I want something to make the widow cry and the young boy yearn. Or the opposite…but I want something that will turn worlds upside down and change lives.

A few of my past projects have moved people. The projects have brought people to tears, or brought a smile to faces. Some have even brought laughter. Some of those projects could possibly be installments and I plan to prep them and contact some galleries… but I want more.

Music could be more. But I’m sure there are other things that could be more. I guess I just have to find those things. I just don’t so much know where to start or the next steps. But I shouldn’t worry about that – I’m sure God will help open things up when the time comes, if it’s meant to happen.

philiplikens | 09:02 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

May 12, 2005

Art As Prayer

Madeleine L’Engle said:

"For me, to work on a book is the same thing as to pray. Both involve that unpopular word discipline. If an artist works only when he feels like it, he's not apt to build up a body of work. Inspiration comes far more often during work as things get rolling than before you sit at the typewriter."

---

Doing art for many people is not the same as praying. For many people art is not worship. I personally don't always feel like it's worship. Only every once in a while does it really feel like a prayer or worship. However, I don't think it's just about feeling. I believe it's also about thinking "You know what, today I'm going to do art with the intent of worshiping as I create." The feeling combined with the thought is what creates the worship. Perhaps as you go along it might be easier to default to a worship/prayer state but I certainly don't do that now. I'm one of the ones who will have to make a cognitive decision to worship as I create.

philiplikens | 01:28 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Serve The Gift

Madeleine L’Engle on serving the gift you've been given as an artist:

"I am convinced that each work of art, be it a great work of genius or something very small, has its own life, and it will come to the artist, the composer or the writer or the painter, and say 'Here I am: compose me; or write me; or paint me', and the job of the artist is to serve the work."

And on dying to yourself as an artist:

"The great artists, dying to self in their work, collaborate with their work, know it and are known by it as Adam knew Eve, and so share in the mighty act of Creation.

"That is our Calling, the Calling of all of us, but perhaps it is simplest for the artist (at work, at prayer) to understand, for nothing is created without this terrible entering into death. It takes great faith, faith in the work if not conscious faith in God, for dying is fearful. But without this death, nothing is born. And if we die willingly, no matter how frightened we may be, we will be found, and born anew into life, and life more abundant."

---

I love what she says in each quote but I especially love the phrase "serve the gift" or "serve the work." I know that I am called to server the Lord first and foremost, but part of serving the Lord is serving the gifts He gave me. This gives me more inspiration to try and do what I really love - art. That's my gift I've received and that's my voice in this world.

philiplikens | 01:17 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 09, 2005

Saving People

Someone last night ask me if I thought I could save/change people. This question was prompted after I answered the previous question about my passions with “creative self expression and helping people.”

I can’t change anyone. I can’t save anyone. Sometimes I wish I could – sometimes I even try, but deep down, if I think about it, I know I can’t. That means I can’t take away anyone’s depression, can’t cure anyone’s addiction, can’t relax someone who’s stressed... I can only be their friend. Stand by, listen, encourage, pray – that’s all I can do to help. Sometimes it sucks, I feel helpless, but that’s all I’ve got to work with. Though, in the end, it’s a blessing to not be responsible for the health of the people around me.

philiplikens | 10:58 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

May 06, 2005

Didn't Know I Needed This

There are times when I pray prayers I didn't know I should pray before I started praying them. Sometimes issues surface mid-prayer that I wasn't aware of before. Periodically I find myself asking for forgiveness for a certain situation or asking for peace about a certain thing that I never realized I was struggling with. It's an amazing phenomenon. I wonder why I don't pray more?

philiplikens | 01:05 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

May 03, 2005

Perfect Church

I like what my cousin said the other day about finding the perfect church. He quoted his dad when he said "As soon as I find the perfect church and start attending, it's not perfect any more - I bring with me imperfection."

The search for a perfect church is a lesson in futility. However, one church may fit you better than another. And by church I mean one body of believers who meet and worship together, not the church, the bride of Christ as a whole.

philiplikens | 11:49 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

May 01, 2005

If I Should Die

I feel as though today is the day I will die. I can't place the why, I just know how I feel. If I should die, know that I am happy. I loved my life. I loved the people in my life. Trust in Christ and I'll see you in heaven. I'll be watching just as my grandfather has been watching me. I forgive you. Please forgive me. Even if I never had the nerve to say it, I love you.

philiplikens | 12:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Beauty

I sometimes cry without knowing exactly why. Sometimes I see the beauty in this life. Sometimes I feel as though I see things as God sees them, flawed but still beautiful in their flaws. This feeling, this vision of beauty is overwhelming. I believe it's a gift of God.

There are a few times I remember this happening very vividly (seeing beauty, tears or no):

One day I looked at Ryan and saw her beauty.
One day I met a woman (quite a lot older than me) who just radiated beauty.
One day I met a waitress whose beauty I saw.
One day I saw a photo of a girl on the internet and saw her beauty.

None of these visions of beauty had anything to do with sexual desire. It's not like that, it's a pure innocent recognition of God's creation. It's so hard to put into words – they don't do the gift justice.

And just now I experienced an overwhelming feeling of beauty. It made me cry. I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps it was the music I was listening to, or the people I've interacted with in the last few days. Perhaps it's some combination of everything I'm experiencing in this life. Who knows. I just know it's a blessing to be broken by beauty.

philiplikens | 11:48 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

April 30, 2005

Words

Some days the words just don't come.

philiplikens | 08:26 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 28, 2005

Seemingly Hypocritical

The question was recently posed "How can you be religious and like the movies you like and listen to the music you do?". This person, I’m sure, was referring to writers like Chuck Palahnuik, bands like Marilyn Manson, Tool – artists I respect who’s creations I enjoy. Here’s my take on the question that was asked:

First I will say I’m not the model Christian – not anything close. I’m actually a disgraceful Christian, a loser, broken and sinful. The great thing about Christianity is that Christ loves me anyway. All I have to do is believe. I try to follow him the best I can, but I’m certainly not perfect. Is it against my religion to listen to Marilyn’s music or read Chuck’s book? I certainly hope not. If Manson's music causes me to sin, I should probably not listen to it...But I don't think it does. And even if it does cause me to sin, fortunately Christ is more interested in my heart than anything - and my heart is for Christ (and I don't mean by that there aren't consequences for sin).

I like the movies I like, I enjoy the music I enjoy because of respect, in part. For instance, take Marilyn Manson. Manson is the self proclaimed “Anti-Christ Superstar.” He plays the part of the polar opposite of Christ. Do I agree with his views? Absolutely not. However, I respect him as an artist. I think his music is fantastic. His writing is very good. But his message I could live without… so I just ignore that part of it.

Just because I don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean I don’t respect them. In fact, I believe, as a Christian, I am called to respect everyone. I believe that’s part of my walk as a Christian.

And good art is good no matter what religion the artist is, no matter what beliefs they have. As an artist myself, I respect good art. Manson, Tool, Palahnuik (author of Fight Club) are all incredible artists – and, as a fellow artist, I have respect for their talents. Perhaps I wouldn’t chose to exercise my talents in the same way – but who am I to tell them how to live?

So why do I like the movies I like, why do I listen to the music I do? Because I like it. Because I find it fascinating for one reason or another. I don’t have to agree with the artist or the statement to appreciate the art for what it is – good art. I respect these artists a great deal and that respect is born from both an artistic and Christian point of view.

Thanks to the person who posed the question. It's a very good answer to have to think through.

philiplikens | 07:13 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

April 27, 2005

What I Do

When someone asks the question "What do you do?" I normally respond with "Oh, I'm a web designer at a firm in Deep Ellum." And unfortunately, that's the truth. When will I learn to worship God all day? When will I learn to put Him first? When will I be able to truthfully say "Oh, I worship God all day. On the side I'm a web designer."? Hopefully sooner than later. I pray.

philiplikens | 09:18 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 26, 2005

The Anthropologist

I am an anthropologist of sorts. Specifically I am an introspective archaeologist – I dig up the remains of my memories and analyze them. I can’t say this role is always pleasant, or that I mean to do it. Being an archaeologist of myself sometimes isn’t pretty. I don’t have many regrets, but I do have some bad memories. Every once in a while the archaeologist inside me starts picking at the scars trying to figure out what happened – what it is exactly that has shaped who I am today. Sometime it brings me to my knees.

philiplikens | 09:12 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

April 24, 2005

Die To Myself

Do Or Die
by Dogwood

I killed the Son of God today.
I built the cross where He was slain.
My sins,
The hands that held the hammer that
drove the nails through His skin.
Someday I win.
I want to make it up.
I want to die to myself for You.
It makes me fall apart,
When I think of all that You went through.
I owe my all to You. (I owe my all to You)

Chorus:
Because when it came to do or die.
You died for me,
Though I would be nothing perfect,
For human eyes to see.

My hands are Yours for works.
My eyes will seek until I've found You.
My legs will walk the earth,
Until You tell me my work is through.
I want to make it up,
I want to die to myself for You,
You are the one that I love,
I owe my all to you. (I owe my all to you)

(chorus)

I met the Son of God today,
He said "I forgive you for My pain",
He took my sin that held the hammer
that drove the nails through His skin,
He said I win.

(chorus)

I'm a new creation through You,
Created for You by You.
So make me worth Your while,
Put me to use.

---

I can't say I've ever heard this song. I found it by typing in "die to myself" in google. I've been thinking about "dying to myself" quite a bit lately. It's really been on my mind and it's what I want to do. I also love the idea of dying to myself - the concept is just so interesting. I like the song and what it says - I'll have to see if I can find it.

philiplikens | 08:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 23, 2005

Moment By Moment

I know, for me, joy can be found in creating art. A problem lies in the fact that I don't see my art as successful until it's finished. I'm not satisfied with just the creative process - which is hard because it takes me a long time to finish most art projects. I will be in a better place once I learn to find success in the moment by moment work. Part of the solution will be narrowing my scope further from the day to day vision (which I've worked so hard to get down to in the first place) to the here and now - which is something I need to do in my battle against sin and my relationship with God. I need to bring things completely into the present.

philiplikens | 11:46 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 20, 2005

Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God"

It’s amazing how hard it is for me to be still. I would consider myself a pretty relaxed, laid back individual. But, when it comes to turning off all the distractions and just being still, praying and worshiping God, it’s so hard for me to do. I guess I’ve grown accustom to having music playing, watching the world around me, that it’s hard for me to operate without those distractions. Which is sad. I don’t want it to be that way. That’s part of the appeal of small towns for me – less distraction. I love the city, but there’s something nice about going to the country for a bit to relax.

I’ve stopped listening to music as much in my car and at home in favor of silence – though I still search for distraction. Perhaps if I slowly take things away, then after a time reinstate them, maybe I will learn to appreciate them but also be still and be able to operate without them.

Or perhaps I should just pray and ask God to slow me down and free me from the distractions - both physically and mentally.

philiplikens | 08:19 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 19, 2005

Serving Always

Neglecting others to take care of your self is not the right thing to do. Taking time to fix your self is a wholly selfish, human act. I believe we are called to serve all the time – either through prayer or active giving back to a person or persons. As Erik observed, the people on Earth who many respect, and rightfully respect, are not the men who take time out for themselves, they are the ones who are absolutely devoted to God and other people. When these people take time “away” from helping people, they spend that time with God. God is their everything. They are constantly serving through either prayer or by directly helping other people. This is the way of the Christian life.

There are a few things you must do yourself, and these thing to take time. Things like eating, sleeping and other necessities. These are physical requirements. These are required in order to keep one’s body healthy. Now, I imagine the question will be raised “what about mental health”? I believe mental health is found in a relationship with God and not apart from that. If you have God and are truly pursuing him, barring a chemical imbalance in your brain (which is treated by meds), you should be improving your outlook on life. A healthy relationship with God should give you all the motivation, hope, love etc that you need to live life. If it is not, I question your relationship with God and I question what you are doing to fix things.

philiplikens | 08:48 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 17, 2005

Earth Suit Upkeep

Just as I don't believe in true evolution, only microevolution in the context of creation, I don't believe arranging one's life apart from God is healthy, only arranging within the will of God is healthy.

There's nothing wrong with arranging your life within the context of God's will. Some arranging oils the "machine" and makes it run better - some maintence is required while we occupy our earth suits. It's just when we try to steer our earth suits, when we play navigator rather than tech or mechanic, that's when the problems start.

philiplikens | 08:52 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

One Thing I know

If there is one thing I know, one thing I can say, today and every day, it is:

Christ loves me and I love Christ. Today is a good day.

philiplikens | 11:05 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 15, 2005

Forgetting Thyself

CS Lewis has written a few times on the topic of humility but his basic view is this:

Forgetting yourself is the ultimate sign of humility.

I like that view of humility but I honestly don’t know where to start. How does one go about forgetting their self and totally living for God? I cannot imagine, at this point in my life, forgetting myself, my needs, my desires, etc. I guess that just goes to show how far I am from humility.

I like this article on humility. It talks about three things humility is not:

Humility is not a sense of inferiority
Humility is not to be confused with passivity
Humility should not be confused with false modesty

And three things humility is:

Humility involves a right attitude towards God
Humility involves a realistic assessment of ourselves
Humility prepares us to serve others

You can, of course, read the article yourself to get explanations of all the points. I just thought they really hit it on the head. It’s such an elusive thing, humility is, and it’s such a struggle for me. But, I do believe that God has commanded me to be humble (and I should be since I have nothing except through Christ) and I am trying to learn. Pride is just so easy. And I still can’t imagine forgetting myself.

Please pray for me to forget myself.

philiplikens | 08:50 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 14, 2005

Girls Against Boys

It’s funny. Ask a girl what’s happened over the last few years and she’s likely to tell you about her relationships, friendships, family. Ask a boy what’s happened over the last few years and he’s likely to describe things he’s done, goals he’s accomplished and what he’s working on at the moment.

It’s interesting, to me, the contrast between the two. I tend to think the girls are more on the right track – relationships should mean more than accomplishments. And that’s not to say relationships aren’t more meaningful to boys than accomplishments, it’s just that that man-society as a whole asks the question “are you successful?” So I think boys are just used to answering with their jobs, what they’re working on etc… Girls on the other hand tend to ask each other about relationships and many build their value off the relationships they’re in. I don’t believe that’s healthy either but I think valuing (and talking about) relationships more than accomplishments etc is the best way to go.

philiplikens | 01:32 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

The Gun

Everywhere is a trigger
My mind is a gun
Shoot myself in the foot
No way to run

Bleeding from below
A self inflicted wound
Separate myself
Death comes all too soon

---

This little poem is about separation (thus spiritual death) from God due to distractions of this world. How easy it is for me to look around and forget the God I serve! Even when I’m actively worshiping him. Many times I find it hard to focus on God if I’m near any sign of life. It’s this self-sabotage, betrayal of myself, that’s so hard. And I realize I am nearly helpless to curing it. My only hope is to try and pray that God will deliver me from my mind.

philiplikens | 10:55 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 13, 2005

Stolen

Wow. Went to work today to find that my computer and a co-worker's monitor had been stolen overnight. I only lost my email and a little more infomation, nothing too too serious but it still sucks. It's been an emotional few days and I'm feeling pretty drained.

However, I have to say my relationship with God just keeps getting better and better (in my eyes). I feel closer than I ever have before. I feel like I'm relying on God more and saying "Lord, if it be your will, then I'm ok with whatever." Life is still trying, of course, but that kind of approach leads to the least ammount of suffering and pain. To be able to take something I view as painful and hand it over directly to God is something I still don't always do, but I feel God's teaching me to do. Life is easier to handle that way.

philiplikens | 07:17 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 12, 2005

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Life

Many times I find myself staggering off the emotional rollercoaster of life a little hurt and unsure of where to go next. I think the knowledge that joy is more intense than pain, and that joy will always cover up pain, allows me to experience joy without fear of the pain. The pain is real, life sucks, we live in a broken world and things hurt – but I am willing to live through the pain if I know there’s also joy involved. The joy is what makes this world worth living in for me - coupled with the promise of Heaven.

philiplikens | 02:13 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

A Match Part 2

Turns out the match is a dud and the holder is engaged. Congrats Ryan!

philiplikens | 01:14 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

A Match

Yesterday the butterflies sprang loose from their dusty cages and the memories came crawling from their caves of hibernation. I'm not sure what to say, how to start, how to express just what I felt inside when I saw your words there on the page. It's been so long, too long and yet not too long - it's amazing what can happen in just two years time. It is my prayer that you know you hold a match in your hand, there's oil in the lamp and the wick is not yet dry.

philiplikens | 12:31 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Never Say Never

It is my suspision, it is your intention, to make me into the man I could never be (on my own).

philiplikens | 06:27 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

April 11, 2005

Steal 9

I have a new art piece that I will soon be posting. Acually, I have photography as well. I need to create a new section to house this art...who know's what it will be like. We'll soon find out though...I'm sure of that.

philiplikens | 09:58 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Friends

I have incredible friends and family. Really really.

philiplikens | 09:55 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Wanted

Wanted: a girl

Required: a girl in love with Christ, willing to love a boy in love with Christ.

Preferred: a girl in love with Christ, willing to love a boy in love with Christ, who believes in self improvement, who can be silly and serious, who can both forgive and ask for forgiveness, who is encouraging, grateful, thankful. A girl who believes honesty is the best policy. A girl who believes that marriage is forever. A girl who is comfortable with herself. A girl who understands the things of this world are only things of this world.

-----

I almost didn't go ahead and post the above because today, as I was preparing this post, I noticed a beautiful girl had written me the most beautiful thing. The timing was just so incredible. Anyway, I am posting it anyway. This is not really a request for responses as much as a statement, a picture of what I'm looking for. The only requirements are a heart for christ and a willingness to love a broken boy who loves christ. How long did it take for me to figure out God was the most important ingredient in a relationship? Almost 23.5 years.

philiplikens | 03:01 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

March 21, 2005

Self-esteem and Self-confidence

I don’t think self-confidence or self-esteem is biblical. Total reliance on God is biblical. Acknowledging that we have nothing if we don’t have God is biblical. Knowing we can’t do anything ourselves is biblical. Self-confidence and self-esteem both go against total reliance on God.

Self-esteem is defined as “Pride in oneself; self-respect.”

Now, we know pride is a sin. So many times, pride is what separates us from God. Self-respect is defined as “Due respect for oneself, one's character, and one's conduct.” Now, I wouldn’t have a problem with this definition of self-respect except for the “Due” part. Due implies deserving. I can’t figure out why I would deserve respect for myself, my character or my conduct, especially when I screw up so much. So self-esteem is out, it’s not godly.

Self-confidence is defined as “Confidence in oneself or one's own abilities” and confidence can be defined as “freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities.”

Well, we’re nothing without God. We’re only sheep, as David says, who need a shepherd. Without a shepherd, what sheep will survive? I should have no confidence in myself apart from God – that’s the only thing I don’t have doubt about.

I always thought self-esteem, self-confidence were healthy. I guess I was wrong. But I don’t think this means I should hate myself or harm myself in any way. I do believe respect for God is biblical, as is respect for his creations – your self and other people, the earth etc… I just realize we can’t do this on our own. Thinking we can is blasphemous. Humility and respect for god is clearly the correct path.

(All definitions take from dictionary.com)

philiplikens | 02:04 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

March 15, 2005

Thank God For Direction

I feel really good right now. I feel as though God has shown me direction. I feel as though I know where I’m going and what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I know the core that is the god made me.

Knowing who I am in relation to God and what I’ve been made to do has given me a certain peace. The last 6 months + have been surprisingly less anxiety ridden than the ones previous. In the common day to day I don’t feel so much stress. I tend to sleep well at night. I have a hope and vision for the future. Even the "rougher" times lately haven’t been what they used to. I attribute it all to my knowledge of who I am and the direction it has given me.

Thank God.

philiplikens | 09:19 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 14, 2005

Trying to Look Good Limits My Life

Most of the time I'm wrapped up in trying to look good. I wear my pants this way and my hat that way etc etc... For what reason? How would looking good help me? Would looking good bring me any closer to God? Then what's it about? I think, for me, it's about being wrapped up in what society thinks. I'm too in tune to what people *might* think. In fact, it may be to a point where, as Stefan Sagmeister said, "trying to look good limits my life."

John the baptist was the guy who lived out in the desert eating locusts, wearing camel hair garb way back in Jesus' time. Why did he do that? In part, I think it was to contrast the pharisees. The pharisees were the religious leaders of that day. They were hypocritical and completely off track in their view of christianity. John, however, had things figured out and was preaching the true word of God. The pharisees wore beautiful robes and ate wonderfully whereas John didn't. The difference between me (and the pharisees) and John was that John's approach to life was to glorify God through everything, including looking rough if it would help people know he was different. I need to be more like John.

philiplikens | 12:52 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 12, 2005

True Love

Love. Love. Love. What is love? What is true love?

I don't believe there's one person that I'm meant to be with. I believe true love could be found in a number of different people. Given that we, as humans, are not perfect, I can't expect a relationship to be perfect either – so I can't imagine there being one person whom I could form the perfect true love relationship with. I believe any relationship is flawed from the beginning, but there are, of course, differing degrees of flaws. Some people work together better than others – I think part of finding true love is finding who you click with. At the same time, there will be times in life where all you're riding on is your decision to love the other person – times when you aren't clicking and attraction seems foreign. For that reason, I believe true love is born from both a mutual feeling of love and a mutual decision/commitment to loving the other person.

I've never experienced true love apart from God. I'm not sure I ever will. I have a hope that I will have true love, but I find no sign of a guarantee.

philiplikens | 08:44 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 09, 2005

Separation From God

If you’re like me you have some problem understanding why separation from God is such a horrible punishment – such a horrible punishment that it’s the whole point of hell. Such a horrible thing that sin serves as it’s own punishment because of it’s separation from God.

We were talking about this topic in our small group Monday and someone brought up the idea that Job experienced separation from God – that’s a vivid example of how bad it is. God allowed himself the separate from Job and, in turn, Satan tormented Job, destroying all that he had. If God allowed total separation of the world from himself things would be a disaster. Job’s story would be everyone’s story (though none of us have Job’s faith). Talk about wide-spread panic and destruction, if you think the world is messed up now “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

But thankfully, God doesn’t totally remove himself from our lives. He always plays a large part. Thankfully our faith won’t be tested like Job’s was. Thankfully my problem is trying to understand how horrible separation is, not the other way around. But, with that explanation I feel I have a better grasp on why separation from God is such a bad deal.

philiplikens | 09:51 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Powered by God

So many times I find myself saying “I did this” when, in fact, it was God who allowed me to do such things. I believe most people would find this issue contrite, brush it off as a slight mis-accreditation, but I beg to differ. My language affects my thinking which makes this a deeper concern.

Do I really think it's me doing all the work? No. In fact, I think as God as the one who provides my energy, my batteries if you will. I am a machine of free will, I am able to do what I will but I am only able to do anything because God has given me such choice. So for me to proudly proclaim “Look what I did!” every time I do something “good” or “right” is wholly selfish and extremely misleading.

It is my intention to try and change my thinking so that I give more credit to God, because he is the only one who deserves credit for good deeds. Part of changing my thinking is changing my language. Physical changes have been known to affect mental states and vice-versa. Changing thinking and language is never easy but who's saying I'll be doing it myself? It's my hope that God will give me the strength to change and perhaps, finally, I will give credit to the correct person.

philiplikens | 07:26 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 06, 2005

Dating

There are times in my life when I just don't care to date anyone. It's not because I'm screwed up and I feel I should wait till I "fix myself" before I date again. It's not because I suddenly don't find females attractive. It's not even that I don't want the commitment or I'm scared that it will lead to marriage – I, in fact, find marriage attractive. At this moment in time though, I just don't feel a need or desire to date anyone.

I'm interested in my spiritual and artistic growth. I'm interested in living my passions and dreams. In God, I feel fulfilled and content – I don't need an "other" to help me feel that way. I guess I also trust that when the time is right I'll meet that "other" and things will be right – but I don't feel a rush (which, in itself, is interesting because I honestly thought I'd be dating the girl I would marry to by now).

Life feels good right now. God is working magic in my life. The verse goes "He must increase, but I must decrease" (john 3:30). My decreasing, in this case, has resulted in a lack of lust for a relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Since it isn't God's plan for my life at this moment, I have become ok with and submitted to that reality. And it feels wonderful. Praise God, my Father that he has given me that peace for the time being.

philiplikens | 09:55 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

March 02, 2005

Small Group

I'm in a small group (mens) at my church. Last night I led the group in the new book that we're going over. I prayed up until we met that God would speak through me and that people would get something out of it. I hope they did.

The guys were really supportive of me but I, personally, don't think I did that well leading the group. I felt like I didn't know the material as well as I should and that I kind of jumped around. I did, however, enjoy doing it. I put myself in an uncomfortable position and I think it was good for me.

I really don't remember leading any kinda of function tied to religion before. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough to lead. I guess I've realized that it's about God rather than me - that if I back away and give it to God, God will speak through me and make sure the guys are getting what they need.

This next week I'm leading again. I'm going to try typing up more of an outline of what I think is important and what I'd like us to talk about - that way I'm not just jumping around in the book trying to remember what I thought we should talk about next. I'm really looking forward to this next opportunity. Hopefully God will use me and direct me. I guess that's all I can hope for.

philiplikens | 09:21 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

February 28, 2005

The Perfect Patron

The unfortunate reality is that artists need patrons. Many artists struggle with the fact. Some people call it selling out. I wouldn't call it selling out, only trying to make a living doing what you love. Whatever you call it, many times the relationship between patrons and artists isn't a good one or a healthy one.

Artists tend to have their own mind in regards to the way things should work. They tend to believe in having absolute control over their artwork. After all, it is their artwork right? Well, that's the problem. When someone else is buying the artwork from an artist, or commissioning an artist to produce a work, the owner is a mixture of the artist and the patron. Very rarely do the artist and the patron's views line up.

I suppose that's why I'm blessed. My first patron, my friend Erik, has been very good to me. I had painted a painting and he asked if I would paint him 2 more for a certain price. I said "sure." He had an idea of what he wanted and, for the most part, I agreed with his idea. Well, he was very patient with me and supportive. I took a long time to complete the paintings (months and months) but calmly he waited. Upon delivery of the paintings he seemed happy and expressed his happiness with them. He then paid me then and there for my efforts.

For all these things, Erik is the perfect patron. Unfortunately, I am spoiled because he is also my first patron. It can only be downhill from here.

As for me, I'm trying to get better about finishing work in a timely manor so the next patron won't have to wait as long as Erik did. Not every patron will be as patient as Erik.

I just want to thank Erik for being such a great friend and patron. He's a true blessing. I hope future patrons will act with a grace similar to him.

philiplikens | 09:01 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

February 23, 2005

Phone

"God called, he wants your life back."

Sometimes I feel that message is for me. And, yes, I ripped that from goonieheart.

philiplikens | 08:43 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

February 19, 2005

She Fell

An elderly woman fell today trying to ride the escalator at barnes and noble. She drove her walker onto the escalator and stepped on, but she stepped on the crack between the 2 stairs so it threw her off balance and she feel backwards. She hit hard, hit her head pretty good.

Her grand-daughter (I'm assuming) watched it all as she had gotten on the escalator first. I watched it all happen as well as I was waiting for help (with books) at the base of the escalator. As I was watching her first mounting the escalator I thought to myself "this isn't going to be good, maybe I should come up behind her and make sure she doesn't fall." By the time I had decided to not do what I had thought, she was falling. My initial thought, gut instinct, was dead on... If I would've gotten on the escalator behind her I probably could've prevented her from hitting her head (or hitting as hard at least). Unfortunately I fought against it and didn't react.

As soon as she fell though, I ran up and helped her. I was the first one to her, the grand-daughter was just looking on in horror with her hands over her mouth. I held her hand and her body as she lay there. I really didn't know what else to do. Fortunately, more people came very quickly and we lifted her off the escalator and carried her down to the first floor (per an MD's advice who happened to be there). Someone called 911. She was a bit groggy at first, I wouldn't be surprised if she lost consciousness for a while but she seemed to be ok in the end. Thank God.

Things like this make me very sad. They also strike a rebellion chord against growing older. I don't want to be one of the ones who falls at barnes and noble or has a heart attack at home. I love being alive and would only trade it for a quick peaceful death and an eternity in Heaven. I guess these things serve as a reminder of mortality and the fallen state of the world.

philiplikens | 05:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (126)

February 17, 2005

Listen, Validate, Pray

Not of my own invention, this is the simple three step guide to support in a small group or person to person interaction.

1) Listen
2) Validate
3) Pray

There is no belittling of pain, no taking responsibility, you are simply showing your support for the person with the problem. I think it's a pretty handy guide to go by.

philiplikens | 09:47 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (222)

February 16, 2005

Just Do It

I know that's a trademark by a corporation but man did they hit the nail on the head. Just do it. So simple, but so right.

I find in my life it's hard to just do it. I usually have fears and reservations. I find it hard to just dive in. But I should just do it. The phrase is inspiring. Perhaps, this time, I will just do it.

My new year's resolution is to be uncomfortable. Here I come.

philiplikens | 01:29 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (761)

February 15, 2005

Missing the Point

I talked to my mother last night. Among other things we talked about giving. She said something really simple, yet very profound. More proof that I miss the point way too much in this life. She said (paraphrased):

"It's not about giving. That's not the point. God calls us to become more Christ-like, not to give ourselves away. Now, in becoming more Christ-like you'll probably be more giving but giving certainly isn't the point or where the focus should be. The focus should be on getting yourself to be more Christ-like, no matter what it takes, however God calls you to do that. So if God want's you to become a hermit because that will help you to be more Christ-like, that's what you should do. You might not be giving much of anything to anyone if that's what you do, but in the end it's about your heart and the person you are, not the works you do."

I thought that was really great. I still don't believe there will ever be a point in live where anyone has nothing to give. And she agreed with that...but I suppose we could all argue detail all day or we could go apply some of this stuff.

philiplikens | 08:33 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (288)

February 13, 2005

Giving Too Much

Some friends and I got into a discussion today about giving. The real question of the discussion is "Is it possible to give too much." My friends argued yes it's possible, I argued that it's not.

Here are some thoughts.

1. Giving to recieve is not true giving, thus is not what I'm talking about. Giving so someone will compliment you or do something nice in return is not true giving. True giving is giving out of love with no expectance of return gifts.

2. It is possible to give someone too much of what they don't need. Giving someone what they don't need is not true giving. Giving someone a stone when they ask for a fish, or need a fish, is not the right kind of gift. It's certianly possible to give too much of the wrong thing.

How do you know what to give? You have to trust that God will tell you what the other person needs, or you can ask them what they need (note: they may not tell you what they need, only what they want... which are not the say. God knows what we need, we know what we want... If we're in line with God sometimes we know what we need.)

3. How can I give good things when I'm broken? Shouldn't I take some time to fix myself before I give... then I can give better? No. Trust God that he'll make your gifts good (it's not like you can give good gifts on your own anyway)... I believe God will give us anything we need. I think it's our job to focus on giving and get past focusing on ourselves. If we waited to give until we were all fixed up, we'd never be able to give anything because we'll never be fixed up. I think if we put ourselves out there and try to do good things God will help us out as He sees fit.

4. Well, what if I give everything? What if I have nothing else to give? I think you're imperfect and I doubt you'll give everything you think you can give. I also believe God will provide us with things to give. It's not like we're really giving anything anyway, we're only allowing God to use us an a channel for his love... for his giving... and He is a well that never runs dry. In that way I guess you could say God is a little like Santa with the bottomless gift bag.

So what I'm saying is that if we give all that we can, and we make sure we're truly giving and trying to align ourselves with the Lord, we can't possibly "give too much." I'm also saying "taking time to heal" is a load of BS. I think we are failing to rely on God and put our faith in God, or we're giving the wrong gifts, if we're afraid we're "giving too much."

philiplikens | 04:57 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (263)

February 08, 2005

My Sympathies

It seems that all of us run into hardships at times. And actually, hardship seems to be a way of life for many people. Large or small problems, many people are consumed by the day by day trials of living here on earth. I certainly try to rise above the large or small but usually fail miserably just as my friends.

We've all stood by watching as our friends wallow in their misery, suffering all along the way. Wrong or right, they wallow. As their friend you hate to see them suffer but what can you say or do? Countless times I've stood along listening to a friends troubles or frustrations and been clueless as to what to say to them. I am a listening advocate, not always the best, but I think many times people just need someone to listen without providing feedback. Even still, it's quite awkward when someone stops spilling their guts and there's only silence. Every time I want to follow up what they said with some kind of response. Many times it's the old "I'm sorry" response, which I think is a load of crap, and usually prompts an "It's not your fault." Not until this year did I figure out a decent response to a conversation dealing with suffering.

My new response is simply "My sympathies."

The words "My sympathies" communicate exactly what I feel needs to be communicated. It's an "I'm sorry" without taking any of the responsibility. It also says "I care and I'm thinking of you." I find it goes especially well with the statement "I'll pray for you." I also like the combination, but have yet to use, "My sympathies my friend, I will pray for you."

And so if you are going through a rough time, wallowing in your own misery, I offer you only four words: "My sympathies my friend." Should you contact me and tell me you are suffering, I will add the line "I will pray for you."

philiplikens | 01:17 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

February 06, 2005

Self Absorbed Christianity

Mr Craben, my friend, you asked what I think so I shall tell you.

A quote from Fight Club goes something like:

"If our fathers are our models for God, what does that tell you about God?"

What it tells me (in society, not from personal experience nesc.) is that God is abusive and unforgiving. God's more worried about his job than he is concerned with loving me; God is materialistic; God loves football; God is trying to get rich; God drinks way too much beer; and God thinks I'm worthless.

Now, as children who've grown up with broken, sinful fathers, we tend to believe all these things - I think we apply these beliefs to our heavenly father subconsciously. What's more is that we take how we believe God loves us (which is really just how our flawed fathers attempt to love us) and try to apply it in how we love others - which doesn't work It's just a downward spiral of flawed thinking all because we base our perceptions of God on our experience with man.

And so, I think the church says "Hey, you don't know what to think of yourself, you don't know how God loves you and you don't know your value. We need to remedy that so we're going to try to address the wounds your earthy fathers gave you, tell you how their actions were flawed, attempt to stich that woud up so you don't pass them along, and try to give you a healthy, but humble picture of how much you're worht (in God)."

I think that part of remedying the way we love others is realizing we weren't loved well in the past and we shouldn't be trying to model that love...we should be trying to model God's love. To realize God's love sometimes you have to heal the wounds created by our earthly fathers "love" - sometimes the only love we can see.

And so (I believe) I see your point about being too focused on healing ourselves, but I think for many people healing themself is a vital step in getting to a place where they can love others more with a God-like love. I do agree that we should have more of a focus on loving others though and I think it's easy to fall into a mode where you only try to heal yourself...but I think for most of us we need to focus on both healing ourselves and our flawed perceptions of God's love, and try to love people more right now (even in our state of brokeness).

I'd like to add that part of loving someone doesn't nesc. include reading their mind, sometimes it's just about asking someone "what can I do for you, how can I love you better."

philiplikens | 11:38 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 31, 2005

Sleep

Had you've asked me "Do you sleep well?" any time in the last three to four years I would've said "Absolutely" (with a night or two exception in some cases). If you would've asked "Do you remember your dreams?" I would've answered negatively (again, with a few exceptions). Unfortunately, I can't answer either of those questions with the same responses as of a week ago. I can't say I'm extremely alarmed, more mildly puzzled.

I've been waking up early lately and I've had some weird dreams. I usually remember the dreams when I come to be fully awake but I forget them as the day goes on. I haven't been eating right before bed, oversleeping or undersleeping, and I don't remember changing any major habits besides getting up a little bit earlier during the week. I haven't been exercising as much as I'd like but that's been the same for a few months. So I don't know the cause. Perhaps stress? I think I'll try more exercise and see if that will help. Who knows.

philiplikens | 02:49 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

January 13, 2005

The Words You Hear

"And the words that you fear will always be the words you hear "

Those are some of the words in the song "How do you love" by Collective Soul. I just love what he's saying. I interpret those words as meaning something similar to Hubert Selby Jr.'s explaination of the eye and my own previous comment about people only seeing what they expect to see.

philiplikens | 01:39 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 10, 2005

Troubled

I am a troubled boy.

philiplikens | 10:27 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

January 03, 2005

Finished Moving

I am absolutely, completely finished moving save turning in my keys... which i missed doing by 5 minutes. I thought the leasing office was open later than 5:30 so when I got there at 5:35 everyone was gone. I was supposed to turn my keys in today but I guess it'll have to wait till the morning. Hopefully they'll understand. But if not, that's ok. I'm just happy to be done moving and cleaning for a while.

philiplikens | 11:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

December 25, 2004

Alone

Prompted by who-knows-what I began proclaiming "in order to keep my sanity I must have a good bit of time alone." Now I wonder if saying is making. I wonder if since I verbally repeat how being alone is oh-so important to my well being, I make it just that important - when it really isn't. I do wonder if being alone is all that grand. It certainly gives me a chance to think, and since I live in my head that seem like a blessing, but I'm not sure that life is all about thinking. Perhaps it's more about interacting with people - changing the course of people's lives. The interaction. The excitement. Even the down times. *shudder* But what do I know? I'm phobic of new people and new places. It's out of my comfort zone. And we all know - what's not comfortable has to be bad. I've also heard it said that "if you're not uncomfortable, you're probably not growing." But who want's to grow? I think I'll go hole up and be alone now. Thanks for playing, nice to know you, goodbye.

Extra note - Wasn't it when the Grinch was in community that his heart grew 3 sizes? I think there's something magical in fellowship. I don't really love it sometimes but I do think it's good for me. And I do think I grow.

philiplikens | 09:47 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (7)

December 22, 2004

Faith

Faith, in relation to God, is what the following verse, quote and song express. I especially like Billy Graham's quote because it makes faith something comprehendable - something easy to understand. Pulled from this site.

Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Billy Graham
"Have you ever seen the wind? I've never seen the wind, but I've seen the effects of the wind."

DC Talk - Mind's Eye
You know what I'm going through
I know that it's true
Cause you've stood in my shoes
Desire's inside of me
But, it's hard to believe
In what you cannot see
Can you catch the wind?
See a breeze?
It's presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree
An image of my faith in the unseen

In my mind's eye
I see Your face
You smile
As You show me grace
In my mind's eye
You take my hand
We walk through foreign lands
The foreign lands of life

In my mind
I'm where I belong
As I rest in Your arms
And like a child I hold on to you
In my moment of truth
We can ride the storm
Endure the pain
You comfort me in my hurricane
And I'll never be alone again

Can you catch the wind?
Can you see the breeze?

In my mind I can see Your face
Love pours down in a shower of grace
Life is a gift that You choose to give
And I believe that we eternally live
Faith is the evidence of things unseen
People tell me that You're just a dream
But they don't know you the way that I do
You're the one I live to pursue

philiplikens | 10:09 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 21, 2004

Ideas and Opinions

I find myself very upset when an idea or opinion of mine is judged as good or bad based on my ability to defend it at a given moment. I don't feel that my debate skills, memory of past experience or research, or quick thinking ability do justice to my ideas or opinions. Some ideas or opinions are difficult to explain without some thinking because they've been built on years of experience and knowledge. I feel like my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do so I have to just sit and watch someone rape my children.

philiplikens | 06:49 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Support

I will support my friends in their decisions as long as their decisions are not life threatening, immoral or illegal. Should you drive 190 down the highway in your mini cooper? Probably not, I don't really support that. Should you stay with your girlfriend? Do whatever you want, unless she's threatening your life, or unless staying in that situation will make you suicidal. Staying with that someone, barring life threatening situations, what's the worst that could happen? You encounter some pain? You learn something more about life and relationships? You learn more about what you want and don't want in a mate? You learn more about yourself? All horrible ends right? No. Just different ends to a situation that is really up to you. Good or bad, who knows. Perhaps easier or harder...

philiplikens | 02:25 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (4)

My Log

Matthew 7

"Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. 2 For others will treat you as you treat them.* Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. 3 And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye* when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying, `Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

---

I was sitting at a traffic light last night. I saw there was a car behind me that was trying to squeeze past to turn right (there was limited space between the back of my car and the side of the road. Well, evidently I came in on this knowledge late because as the man sqeezed by he shook his fist at me and yelled. I didn't hear what he said but he looked to be very upset. I then got upset with him, and in my mind, thought nasty thoughts that I shouldn't think. It shook me up pretty good though, got my heart beating a bit faster etc... And then I thought back in the day to the bible verse James Earl Jones (iTunes link) had read to me...which is above. And I thought about how upset I was that this man had a speck in his eye, when I had a log of my own: my horrible reaction to the situation. And so I decided I need to work on my reaction to such instances.

philiplikens | 11:03 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 19, 2004

A Letter

I mailed the letter around five hours ago. I wrote a letter last night at this same time. I wrote a letter to Ryan telling her how my life has been in the last year, what's been going on with me.

I began with a rather grim, but true to my feelings, first paragraph talking about how Jess' grandmother just died and how my uncle was put in the hospital the same day. But something amazing happened after that paragraph. As I began to think back on the year I've had my mood began to change for the better. I started realizing the amazing things that've happened in my life and how this little slump I'm in is just that - a little slump.

God has truly worked in my life this year in a very visible way. I feel as though I'm closer to God now (this year) than I ever have been and I feel as though I'm on a good track. I've got so many ideas including +nofiction+ and Dept of. I have too many ideas for artwork to list. I've learned so much about life (some is recorded in this very blog, some in my notebooks), God, people, passions. I also discovered my own passions - helping people and creative self expression.

I don't usually spend time reflecting on my past - at least not the good things that have happened. In fact, I tell myself and everyone else that I have a bad memory - which I believe is at least somewhat true. But through this experience I've come to see what good can come out of such reflection. It puts things in perspective and show's just how much God is working in my life. It's both humbling and exciting.

I am truly blessed to be living the life I live, to have the friends I have, to have a personal relationship with my Lord. And I am certainly blessed to have at least enough memory to reflect on the blessings I've been given. It's hard to be down on life when I see so much good.

philiplikens | 01:17 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (4)

December 17, 2004

Tired

I feel tired of a lot of things today. I don't feel like fighting anything any more, I feel as though I could lay down and sleep..

philiplikens | 02:35 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Tragedy

Tragedy doesn't seem to be so bad to me until it happens to someone surrounding me. Then tragedy, in my eyes becomes real tragedy - something truly sad to see..

philiplikens | 01:12 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 15, 2004

99.9

m (me) < 99.9%
g (God) = 100%
p (perfection) = 100%

(m + g)/2 != p

Basically, my life is me plus God. The problem is that I'm not perfect - I can only give 99.9% at my best. And even with God working on me/with me, I still won't be perfect here on earth. But, I take solace in the fact that with God's help I can be 99.9%. And all I have to do is give my life up to him.

philiplikens | 09:55 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

I Loved Her

I think most anyone around me knows that I miss Ryan.

I think I saw her on the way to work today. There was a girl who looked very much like her in a vehicle that looked very much like her dad's old car (that was supposed to become her's just after we broke up two years ago).

For around two years (until this summer or so) I believed the title of the ilovedher.com project was just, simply, the title of the project. Now I'm wondering if I did really love her. I wish I could talk to her again.

philiplikens | 02:39 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (6)

December 14, 2004

Car Wreck

I witnessed a car wreck today at lunch. It wasn't a particularly bad wreck, though I can't say any wreck is good. Someone got t-boned in an intersection. I'm not exactly sure what happened and it wasn't particularly spectacular. In fact, for me, the most intriguing thing about the wreck was my response.

None. Nothing. Nada. I just sat there watching it all. I didn't get out of the car to see if everyone was ok. I didn't really even think "oh, I hope they're ok." In fact, it wasn't until just now that I thought to pray for the people involved.

Am I that out of it? Or that self centered? That apathetic?

I'm in my own little world but I'm not sure that's where I want to be or where I need to be... though I thought it was.

philiplikens | 01:35 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

December 09, 2004

Deaf

I can't imagine being deaf. Going deaf, the process, I think I can imagine, but not actually being deaf.

My ears are cloudy from last night's Marilyn Manson show. I'm certainly happy I'm not deaf or disabled in any way. I appreciate the ability to do basically whatever I want within the normal constraints of life. I probably should've brought ear plugs but I forgot last night.

I enjoyed the show. He's not the satanic hellspawn everyone makes him out to be. He's a very intelligent artist whom I respect a great deal. He has issues, and certainly different beliefs than I do, but who doesn't have issues? I certainly have my own share.

There were people there handing out tracts at the concert as we walked in. I think they're missing the boat. I don't think handing out pieces of paper is nearly as effective as talking to someone about your beliefs. I was also a bit offended that I was classified as someone I'm not - whoever that is. To sterotype people because of the concert they attend is a bit unfortunate.

All in all though, it was a good night. I thank God for my hearing and my ability to go to shows with good friends.

philiplikens | 12:04 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

December 06, 2004

Tired of Fighting

I'm tired of fighting. It's draining and frustrating. And it's always over things that don't matter. I just want it to be over.

philiplikens | 10:21 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

Moving

I can't wait to move. Seriously. I usually don't get this excited about moving but this time I'll be in a one bedroom instead of an efficiency. More room! Yay!

philiplikens | 03:53 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (4)

December 05, 2004

Question

What do I wish to change in the world? How will I accomplish this change? What is the first step toward fulfilling this goal?

philiplikens | 10:50 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Changes

I haven't the words to explain how I feel. I am changing on the inside - I don't know what exactly is changing, or why, but I can feel changes taking place.

I carry a good bit of sadness these days. But I think it to be more of a blessing than a burden. The ability to feel deeply is one of the greatest gifts of being human.

I am glad to be here and I am curious to see what the future holds.

philiplikens | 10:43 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

December 03, 2004

Journal of a Dying Man

I am dying but not in the way you might suspect. I am a casualty of my own actions. On some level suicidal – though most people wouldn’t call it that.

For most people eating junk food, drinking cokes and avoiding exercise are common daily practices and something they don’t think twice about. The reality of it is their body is wearing down, becoming frail, their immune systems stop working properly and they slowly kill themselves – commit socially acceptable suicide.

Now some Christians (and probably people of other faiths as well) will tell you that suicide is a sin that will keep you out of Heaven. They, of course, are talking about suicide in the traditional stick-a-gun-to-your-head-and-pull-the-trigger kind of way. My question to them: Will suicide per the American-junk-food-frenzy lifestyle keep you out of Heaven? I don’t believe there is a sin that will keep you out of Heaven, save not believing in God and what Jesus did. I do, however, believe it’s wrong for me not to take care of my body - but I still lead a life style that’s slowly killing me. Hypocrisy at it’s finest.

Then there’s the subject of spiritual suicide. Trying to live my own life, not putting my trust in God, pursuing simplicity, money or any of the other temptations of this world more than God, it’s all killing me on the inside – on a spiritual level. Part of the problem is the fallen world “ruled by sin” theory which basically states the world is not all good, only Heaven is “all good”, and so this world is killing me and there’s really not much I can do about it except follow God the best I can. Fortunately, my god is a god of compassion and forgiveness and so when I come to realize I’ve let this world take me over, all I have to do is reach out once again and God will take me back and forgive me for everything. So I guess spiritually I’m not dying as much as I’m dying, then living, then dying again… ebb and flow but the default is death not life.

Could be continued…

philiplikens | 04:23 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

December 01, 2004

Rewind

Pardon me while I rewind my life 19 years. I would like the have the same amount of curiosity (proportionally) as I did when I was 4.

philiplikens | 01:02 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Helpless and Hopeful

I'm feeling better these days. I have hope but I'm realizing the things I don't have and I don't know - and I'm becoming ok with where I'm at and not having control of everything. Helpless isn't necessarily a bad feeling, it can also be indicative of trust in another. I feel like that's where I'm going. Trust in God is certainly what I'm pursuing. In order to get there I must let go of many of the things I try so hard to hold on to. I am helpless and hopeful. Both are good things.

philiplikens | 12:01 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

November 29, 2004

Food

Food is lasting longer these days.

philiplikens | 04:25 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

November 28, 2004

Helpless

I feel helpless.

philiplikens | 09:49 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

November 24, 2004

Understand

I never understand.

philiplikens | 10:48 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Taking Time

It's funny, I can sit all day trying to figure myself out and not make much, if any, progress.

philiplikens | 10:46 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 22, 2004

Simple Idol

I am carefully crafting my idol of choice - Simplicity.

And it's not ok.

philiplikens | 10:20 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

November 15, 2004

Focus

Anything can take my focus away (and i do, unfortunately, mean anything) but only God can bring it back.

philiplikens | 09:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 13, 2004

Daily Bread

Daily Bread.

Daily - today.
Bread - the essentials.

That's what we need to be asking God for - the essentials for each day as it comes to pass.

philiplikens | 10:50 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 11, 2004

Faith

It is easy, perhaps too easy, to use our mind's eye and place God in some physical form. God is not bound by physical constraints, nor does He want to be placed in physical constraints. Some would say we place God in physical constraints in an attempt to understand Him better, to relate to Him more. Others would argue that placing God in physical constraints is merely an act caused by lack of faith. I would agree, to some degree, to both, but perhaps they are one in the same, only at different levels. Perhaps the first is merely a manifestation of the second.

Does true faith require understanding? Would you not relate to God more if you had true, unwaivering, faith?

philiplikens | 08:33 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 10, 2004

Profound Revelation 2

The nearer to God we are, the less we will sin.

Notice I did not say "the less we sin, the nearer to God we will be." My whole life I thought the later... but now I see that sin is merely a side effect, a by-product, and it's quantity is directly proportional to our relational proximity to God. And so if we are focused on not sinning, being good little christians as many churches teach, we are missing the point altogether and we are treating the symptoms without addressing the real problem. The real problem is our relational distance from God which is caused by our fallen nature. To address this issue is to persue God full-on, to take a dive into Him, without regard for our flesh. By taking a dive we exemplify complete trust in God, which is one of the qualifiers for a perfect relationship with Him, which would, in turn, rid us of our addiction to sin; thus solving the whole sin problem.

philiplikens | 01:44 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 09, 2004

Here and Now

I want to take in the here and now and enjoy this place while I can.

philiplikens | 11:02 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Everything You 'See' Is Wrong

More and more I'm finding what I perceive as true, is actually not... Many times I find it difficult to suspend judgement long enough to figure out whether my perceptions are correct because I want to believe in my perceptions. Slowly I'm learning that, yes, my perceptions are flawed, but I can find the truth eventually if I give myself the time.

philiplikens | 03:04 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

Conditioning

Does anyone know if conditioning works? By conditioning I mean the type in Brave New World - audible repititions of the desired thought or feeling while one sleeps. I'm curious to know and may soon try conditioning myself.

philiplikens | 01:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Profound Revelation

Sometimes I get so worked up and caught up in all the things I have to do - things that I need to correct about my attitude, the way I function, etc - that I get overwhelmed, confused and am paralyzed by all the improvements I need to make in order to grow spiritually.

The profound revelation is: I only have to do one thing to the best of my ability and everything else will fall into place. I only have to follow hard after God, trusting and believing, and all will be taken care of. That's it. If I do that one thing, I will obtain the holy peace of mind that I so yearn for. I will receive the love I desire... the hate in my heart will disappear... the unholy/unneeded anger will subside. No more jealousy, no more any of that... that is of course, if I did it all perfectly. And I will not - but I will certainly be closer to those things I desire if I just follow hard after God.

philiplikens | 12:01 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 08, 2004

Greener Pastures

When my mind wanders to greener pastures even the most simple tasks become somewhat difficult. Of course, I can't blame my mind - I'd probably do the same if I were given the chance.

philiplikens | 09:26 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 04, 2004

Humility

Ah, Humility. We're the very best of friends, he and I. We've been friends for years. YEARS! I know him awefully well - better than anyone else, I'm sure. We have the greatest friendship ever! You really should get to know him as well as I know him...

philiplikens | 06:11 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

November 03, 2004

Random Reinforcement

I just found out random reinforcement is the most powerful type of reinforcement. This explains why playing "hard to get" works, why gambling is so addictive, why a child's behavior gets worse if you give in randomly to their tantrums, and a slew of other concepts.

philiplikens | 10:01 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Jacked Up

"Man we're jacked up..."
"But that's ok. And that's kinda freeing..."

philiplikens | 09:30 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (1)

Incorrect

How easily I trick myself into thinking I'm correct! How often I am wrong!

philiplikens | 09:16 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 31, 2004

Love

Love is both a choice and a feeling.

philiplikens | 10:07 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Infatuation

Playful fighting is (sometimes) merely nervous fidgeting between infatuated friends.

philiplikens | 10:05 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Me

Every day I try to change me
Into something that I'm not
When will I realize
Me is all I've got

philiplikens | 09:39 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 29, 2004

Questions

I feel as though I've been made to ask questions - lots of questions. I've recently began to place almost all of the value on the question, and the contemplation/persuit of the answer, rather than the answer itself - in fact, I don't care if I have a specific answer to many of the questions I've come up with of late. I think the question, and the thinking process, can be better than the answer itself and more of a learning experience. That's not to say if I ask someone a question, I don't care to hear the answer - because I do - but if there's not a solid answer, I don't mind leaving it open ended.

philiplikens | 01:16 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)

Right Girl

Sometimes I feel as though there is no hope in finding the right girl.

philiplikens | 01:06 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

October 26, 2004

In My Head

I live in my head. It's my own little world.

philiplikens | 12:00 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Monster

Sometimes I feel like the monster that is me
And sometimes I feel like the saint I'm not
Regardless of which, at least I feel something
More than the nothing of which I've been taught

philiplikens | 11:48 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 24, 2004

Clarity

Today I obtained clarity in the most interesting way. Not the typical, obvious route of posing a question and finding an answer. Through the answers I didn't obtain, I gained new perspective on my questions. Today I realized that I don't need an answer for every question I pose. In fact, the answer is not the point of the question. The point of asking a question has more to do with the events leading up to it, the thinking process that accompanies it and the knowledge gained through the questioning process. That's not to say that I don't want some questions ansered - rather, I found today that I already knew the answers to many of the questions I was posing and am fine with the rest going unanswered.

I believe I learned more today in the answers I didn't get, than any answers I could've gotten.

philiplikens | 01:02 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

October 21, 2004

Life

should i be content and stay where i am? should i press forward with a hope for something better? do i just do my best to walk through life when many times i don't hear the voice of god - do i press on anyway? how do i retain and apply the knowledge that comes into my life - there's so much i'm learning about life - how do i keep up with it all?

philiplikens | 09:42 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (5)

September 30, 2004

Favorites

This has nothing to do with spirituality...but here is a list of some of my favorite movies:

a beautiful mind
a clockwork orange
almost famous
american beauty
american history x
as good as it gets
the beach
better off dead
big fish
blow
boondock saints
broken wings
the dangerous lives of alter boys
donnie darko
fight club
finding forrester
full metal jacket
gandhi
gangs of new york
garden state
gerry
girl interupted
good will hunting
high fidelity
igby goes down
k-pax
kill bill 1 & 2
leon: the professional
life as a house
lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
the mission
monster's inc
monty python (anything)
moulin rouge
no mans land
oh brother where art thou
one flew over the coo-coos nest
playing by heart
pollock
punch drunk love
requiem for a dream
resevoir dogs
ronin
romeo and juliet
rounders
run, lola, run
se7en
seven years in tibet
shrek
sleepy hollow
snatch
snow white and the seven dwarfs
spring, summer, fall, winter... and spring
spun
traffic
trainspotting
true romance
12 monkeys
the way of the gun
white lies

philiplikens | 04:54 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 07, 2004

Dream

I am living a dream. What a wonderful place to be.

philiplikens | 01:33 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

September 06, 2004

Broken 2

I need to know all of my faults. Here's the trick though... if someone were to tell me "These are your faults. a, b, c, d." would that be the truth? Probably not. Would that be their reality (perception/projection) of me? Yes. So how do I discern whther someone's feedback is valid or just a product of their own broken state? I'm not sure. But, somehow, I do need to know how messed up I am, in what areas, and perhaps ways of improving those areas in that particular interpersonal, relational context. And so it is with greathumility I present that following request: Tell me how you perceive me to be broken and what I can do improve those areas in the context of our relations. You may email me or post a comment.

philiplikens | 11:47 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (3)

Broken

It's my brokenness that prohibits easy and clear dialog. It's my brokenness. It's my crap. That's not to say communication ineptitude can't be bettered by the two parties involved through talking about it, or that I'm the only one to blame (not that anyone is to blame...), it just means I'd better be working on myself before I approach (with caution) the situation.

philiplikens | 11:28 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 30, 2004

Faith

If only I had enough faith, I too would be able to walk on water. What else could I do if I had enough faith?

philiplikens | 12:04 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Despise

So quickly and so easily I turn into the person I despise. All reasons point to the fact that I dwell on the traits I despise in others. Correcting will involve shifting my focus from the negative to the positive - in doing this, hopefully I can acquire the traits I love in others rather than the ones I despise.

philiplikens | 09:12 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Do something

It's amazing how doing nothing can say more than doing something - even if the "not doing" is a direct result of forgetfulness or innocence and not of anti-love.

Someone once said "you cannot not communicate" - meaning that anything you do or don't do is a form of communication and delivers a message to anyone who may choose to listen or watch.

philiplikens | 02:48 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 29, 2004

Humility

Humility is restraint from false pride and a healthy a knowledge of one's own fallen nature, and stance, before God and the world.

It is our nature, as fallen human beings, to assume a stance of pride with one's self and one's own doing upon completion of a task or the attaining of a goal. And while this pride is not wholly unjustified, that which is justified is usually severely inflated to an unhealthy degree. You see, there are very few instances where a given task requires the input of only one person, with no help from other humans, God, nature, or any other entities one could name. And this is where the problem of disproportionate pride rears it's ugly head.

How many times do we say "Look what I did!" when, in all reality, what we did was only a portion of the work. How quickly do we jump to take the credit? And it's not that we don't necessarily want to give credit where credit is due, but we forget. We forget that in writing our novel, or catching our fish, there were other forces at work. In writing a novel you have inspirations for characters and people who make the paper your work is on, in fishing you have other people who have made your fishing poll.

Perhaps humility is partly about clearly seeing one's own role in a given task and being sure that credit is given elsewhere when credit is due elsewhere. And perhaps exercising humility is about defaulting to less ownership and less pride instead of more.

That's not to say that having no pride in one's self, one's abilities and failing to take credit where credit is justly due, is "being humble." Those actions would only trigger a downward spiral of low self esteem and low self worth. I believe God has made us all able and capable beings and to not take credit for what we are able to do ourselves would doing a disservice to our creator. We should certainly thank God, and I believe a large part of humility is acknowledging anything we do in life is a direct result of our being created in the first place, but we should not completely deny any credit for what we've done.

Humility is an extremely hard trait to master but it holds unbelievable power. If you have humility, and only taking credit where credit is due, giving out thanks and praise to the people who helped you (or entities), you no longer have to boast and be prideful to be heard. Other people will migrate to your giving and humble nature, and, on their own free will, sing praises of your character and tell the world of the things you've done.

philiplikens | 12:15 PM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Promises

Sometimes I feel that promises to my self don't ever come true. I could promise anyone else anything and I would following through, but I can't seem to follow through when it comes to myself. I'm getting a little better and it's something that I'm working on...but it's a struggle. These lyrics sum up my thoughts in an almost creepy so-close-to-home way.

---

"Under My Feet" by Celldweller

"Promises and wishes all mean nothing
When it's me that I'm speaking to
Wanting something
Won't mean I will see it through"

philiplikens | 11:17 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Relax

If I relax every muscle in my body, relax my breathing, relax my brain...I can find God wherever I am. Tension and chaos in my own mind and body causes my perceptions of the world to skew and I don't see the world for what it is (and God in the world). However, ifI relax it's much easier for me to see God's work and God's hand throughout this life I call my own.

philiplikens | 10:56 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

August 25, 2004

Suffering

"The function of suffering is to let me know that my perception is skewed. What I'm doing is judging natural events in such a way that I'm creating suffering within my self. For instance you have pain over certain conditions...certain situations that occur and if you just say 'ok, here I am, I'm going to experience the pain, you don't suffer. The resistance and the degree of the resistance to the natural phenomenon of life causes tremendous suffering." - Hubert Selby Jr.

philiplikens | 08:12 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (0)

Relating

Being in relationship (with any other person... including friends, family, etc...) has nothing to do with changing your belief system and values but it has everything to do with accomodating for the other person's needs. This can include the way you speak to the other person and your body language. Each and every person brings to the table a different life experience - thus, each person will experience you differently. It is important to keep a watchful eye on the way your words and actions are affecting the other person.

philiplikens | 12:37 AM | The Human Experience | Link | Comments (2)